Sometimes I feel like a walking contradiction. I love routine, I thrive on sticking to relatively the same schedule day in and day out. I need to know in advance what the plan is, when and where things are happening, in order to adjust my schedule accordingly. I'm a planner, and time that is unaccounted for can make me feel anxious and wasteful. Yet on the other hand, I sometimes grow tired of routine and yearn for something new, a change of scenery, a break from the mundane and everyday. Sometimes I want spontaneity.
Maybe we all go through periods like this. Maybe we all fluctuate from one end of the spectrum to the other on a given day. It's so easy to get used to your life the way it is, even if deep down there are elements you would like to change. It's easy to fall into a routine with seemingly no end in sight, and it's even more common to be astounded at how long you can spend going through the same routine. What's the saying? Time flies when you're having fun?
Some days I feel like I'm standing still. Like the people around me are embracing change, moving forward, taking strides towards new opportunities, and all the while I am here. Still the same and not much changed.
I don't feel like this is a bad thing, or that one has to constantly be experiencing huge life transformations in order to be seem as "really living," but sometimes I wonder if I grow too complacent, too accepting of the way things currently are to truly embrace a change in the road. I often get the feeling that I'm sitting on the sidelines observing, rather than taking active participation in various aspects of life. Maybe it's just a phase, maybe I over-think these things too much, but sometimes I look at myself and where I am with my life and I feel a kind of claustrophobia set in. And then a single thought streams through my mind.....Is this how it will be forever?
Is life in general sometimes harder to accept with when there is no change in sight? Do we need to possibility of change in order to keep up the motivation to get through the everyday? It's possible. I don't think it's a constant need but from time to time I think a change of pace suits us all.
For me, I sometimes wonder (and I know this is going to sound awful) if I should be doing something different at this point in my life. Should I still be working the same job? Should I be thinking about having a baby? Should I live somewhere else before establishing a life in one particular town? What the hell should I be doing or consider doing before it's too late?
Awful isn't it? It's awful because there is no right or wrong answer to those questions, because it's different for every person, and because there is no rule book that states I have to do any of those things by a certain point in order to have a fulfilled life. Besides, as the old adage goes, if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
I hope I don't come of as giving the impression that I'm unhappy because I'm not. I also hope I don't appear ungrateful for the wonderful things and people in my life, of which there are many. I guess sometimes I worry that I'm missing out on.....something, even if I can't quite comprehend what that "something" is. After a fairly long streak of familiarity it's hard not to wonder if things should continue the way they are, or if new elements should be added. I realize this is all very vague and not very to the point, but that's kind of the aura that surrounds me right now. I can't put my finger on what exactly is causing these restless feelings, only that they are there and beg to be reckoned with.
To stand in place or take a new turn? That is the question.
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