To be happy

After a somewhat down in the dumps week, I spent a lot of time this weekend thinking about happiness.  What it means to be happy, what makes people happy, and how we can tell if we really are happy. 

I didn't arrive at a sound answer for any of those ponderings.

And that is because there is no universal answer.  People go their entire lives searching for happiness and sometimes never stumble upon it.  People go their entire lives thinking they are happy, and sometimes discover that isn't exactly the case.  

As we age and mature, I believe we are more open and able to finding happiness from the smallest and sometimes most unexpected sources.  It is important to recognize these sources and embrace them, especially when some of the more dominant forces in our lives are not always sources of pleasure.  

Nobody wants to be unhappy, and yet people choose to be unhappy all the time; whether it's with a job they don't enjoy, a city they don't like living in, or people they don't like to be around but feel they have to for one reason or another.  Sometimes these choices are unavoidable.  Sometimes they are merely ignored.  Unhappiness is usually much easier to stumble upon than its counterpart, and at some point we really need to ask ourselves why that is. 

Could it be a mental thing?  A lack of perspective?  Or do we really have to work that much harder in order to feel that blissful feeling of just being....happy.  

A complicated subject with many avenues to explore.  A complicated question that begs an impossible answer.  Are you happy?

I feel that a weekend is not time enough to come to the root of the question.  For as simple as some of my sources of joy, there are others that aren't as easy to explain.....or attain.  At this point I am learning that happiness, true happiness, is akin to a long run rather than a sprint. 

I'm prepared to slow down in order to enjoy the rewards.
  

Polite for the sake of politeness

This probably happens to us a lot.  We're going about our day when we happen to run into someone we know.  An aquaintance perhaps, not someone we would consider a close frined, and we engage in the obligatory "What's new?" chatter that these types of situations usually mandate.

Eventually, maybe right off the bat, you will arrive at the inevitable question:  "How are you doing?"

It's nice, I suppose, to show an interest in how people we know are getting along.  And generally speaking people like it when others show an interest in their lives and their personal well-being.  The real question is, how much of your actual personal well-being are you willing to share?

Let's face it, when we ask people this question and when it's asked of us we will 98% of the time go with an answer of "Great!"  "Good!"  "Not bad!"  Or something of similar effect.  Hopefully  we are being truthful when we say this, but if we are really being honest here I'm willng to wager that there are instances when we turn to these stock answers even when things aren't great, good, or not bad. 

It's all for the sake of politeness and saving face.  Do we really want to confide to someone in the middle of the grocery store that things aren't all rainbows and sunshine in our lives?  Do we really want to complain about our job, or the fact that we're having the worst week of our life, or how we could use a few more dollars in the bank in order to make ends meet?  

If you heaped all that baggage on anyone aside from your best friend or significant other they would most likely turn and run.  Because when we ask people that question, we aren't always looking for the honest truth.  We're looking for a polite answer.  One that will be easy to process and not require too much extra work on our part.  We can handle great, good, and not bad.  Anything deeper gets a little messy.

What I find perplexing is that we are all aware of this rule, even if we don't stop to contemplate its existence.  Whether we are the asker or the askee, we know our role and what is expected of us in these polite exchanges.  The bigger question here is why do we bother to ask at all, when we already know what the person will say?

I think of it as being polite for the sake of politeness.  For not rocking the boat with real answers and playing it safe, to spare yourself and the person you're talking to.  This is just the world we live in.  Honesty is hailed in just about every facet of our life, but when it comes to little encounters like this, honesty is written in shades of gray.

I can't decide if I am for or against this rule of social exchange.  But just for fun, the next time someone asks me that question I might just tell them how I really feel.  Even if it isn't all rainbows and sunshine.

The Twilight Zone and the art of the short story

"You're traveling through another dimension -- a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind. A journey into a wondrous land whose boundaries are that of imagination. That's a signpost up ahead: your next stop: the Twilight Zone!"

What a fantastic introduction.

I recently finished reading a book called "The Twilight Zone and the Original Stories."  This was a compilation of some of the original stories written by Charles Beaumont, Richard Matheson, Ambrose Bierce, and others, that were turned into Twilight Zone episodes.  Some of the stories were no more than six pages long, others upwards of 30.  The collection truly is remarkable, and reading the book got me to thinking about the art of the short story.

As an aspiring writer, I have dabbled with stories both long and short, and I can tell you that sometimes writing less is a whole lot tougher than writing more.  Think of all the things we say a good story should have; a beginning, a middle, and an end.  Not to mention fleshed out characters, a compelling plot, and a little bit of action (you know, like the actual story).  Those are a lot of elements to effectively weave together and ultimately end up with something that reads well and makes sense. 

And that is exactly what I loved about all the stories in the Twilight Zone book.  The authors who composed these stories created memorable characters in just a few short pages, brought the reader immediately into the action while still managing to work in adequate amounts of back story, and ultimately ended the story without the reader feeling like things had been rushed or details left out.

I enjoy reading short stories almost as much as full length novels.  I love to see how different authors handle the challenge because it is, in my opinion, a challenge to keep a story confined and not let it run wild.  I have found that the longer I work on a story the greater the possibility that it will run off on tangents that aren't crucial to the overall plot.  I probably have a handful of 30+ page stories that could be condensed down to half their size. 

I often wonder if most authors make a concious decision to write short stories, or if that is something that isn't determined until knee-deep in the editing process.  Kind of like the question about which came first, the chicken or the egg.  

Stephen King (yes, I will take any opportunity to talk about my love of his work), is one of the best short story writers alive today.  Let's not even bother focusing on the raging success of every one of his full length novels, I'm talking specifically about the short story collections.  The man can write short fiction just as effectively as he can write a 1,000 page novel, and he can do it without sacrificing any of the above mentioned traits which all good stories posess

It truly amazes me how an entire story (or at least the most important part of a story) can be communicated in such a condensed way.  I think this is what makes short fiction so exciting to read, the fact that you more or less have to be brought right into the thick of the story at the very beginning, and there isn't a whole lot of time to waste with meaningless details and unnecessary scenes.  True, no story whether long or short should bother with these things, but we all know that doesn't always happen. 

All this rambling does in a way relate to a situation I am currently facing with a story I have been working on all month.  I'm lost somewhere in the middle, not sure what direction my characters will head next, or what my ultimate outcome for the story will be.  Part of me is chomping at the bit to start over, right in the middle, and flush the story out to an exhilerating ending, while another part of me wants to complete the 100 page compilation (seriously, if I keep dragging it along the way I have been this thing will probably be over 100 pages before an ending is reached), and then go through and figure out if there's really a story in there amongst all the character dialogue and attempted plot twists. 

Regardless of what happens with this current tale, I am making a concious decision to dedicate myself to the short story.  Challenging?  Perhaps.  Effective?  Most definitely.  Time to summon my inner Stephen King.....      

Exceeding Expectations

We are by all means a nation of overachievers.  We work, work, work until we can't possibly work anymore, and then somehow we find it within ourselves to keep going.  If we don't have a nervous breakdown first. 

A lot of overachieving stems from the workplace.  You know how it is....you want to prove yourself to the boss, or be the golden child of the office who can do no wrong, or you plain and simple just enjoy going the extra mile time and time again.  

But how does overachieving play out in our everyday lives?  When does too much literally become too much?

Take for example a normal day at the gym.  For me this includes some cardio, maybe a circuit of weights, and some ab exercises just for good measure.  I get to the end of my set of crunches, lie back on the mat, and think to myself that I should go ahead and do at least 10 more.....just to really push myself.  

Okay, nothing wrong with a few extra crunches you might be thinking.  And let's face it, I could probably use them, but why do I feel the need to add even more onto an already full workout?

For whatever reason, most of us are not completely satisfied with ourselves unless we exceed our expectations.  It's not enough for us to simply reach a goal, do a task, and be done with it, we want to take that goal or whatever it might be to the next level.  

Since the first of the year I have made a point to make time in my schedule to write.  I don't always get to it every single night, but a good four nights a week I am down in my office clicking away on the keyboard.  Some nights are more productive than others, that's just a given with writing.  But on those nights when I only pump out five instead of 10 pages, I actually feel somewhat disappointed in myself.  As if I have failed at something or not given it my best effort.  Those are the times when I have to kick myself mentally and remind myself that as of a month ago I wasn't writing nearly as consistently as I am now, which means I have made great strides in just a matter of weeks. 

But you see what I mean?  It's hard to celebrate the small accomplishments, or even the fact that we did what we set out to do.  There is this ingrained sentiment that we must do it to the max each and every time. 

I suppose not everyone thinks this way.  But for those of us who do, I think we need to remind ourselves from time to time that underachieving is something to be celebrated.  Sometimes it's worth cutting a few minutes off your workout to go home and spend time with family, and even though it doesn't always feel like it, that pile of work sitting on your desk probably CAN wait until tomorrow.  We don't need to berate ourselves for not being perfect, for not being able to do every single little thing that comes our way.

There's nothing wrong with making progress in small increments.  And yet it's hard to let go of the mindset that everything we are working for can be achieved all at once.  There's a thought.....exceeding expectionas and instant gratification.  A connection, perhaps?  

Would you be friends with Jessica Fletcher?

If you happened to be watching TV at anytime between 1984 and 1996, you more than likely stumbled upon an absolutely delightful show called "Murder, She Wrote."  In the show, a small town widow turned bestselling mystery writer, Jessica Fletcher, helps out local law enforcement from around the globe by solving some of the most baffling of murder crimes.  She also pumps out a few books along the way.   

Jessica Fletcher is like your grandma.  Only much, much cooler.  She writes, she travels, she cooks, and she constantly proves she is smarter than most of the police officers in America by solving crimes that these so-called cops and detectives have been professionally trained to do.  Pretty bad ass, am I right?

 And still the question remains: who in their right mind would befriend this woman?  Because no matter how many different ways you look at it, the fact remains that when Jessica Fletcher is around people seem to have a much higher possibility of not just dying, but being murdered.  But maybe we shouldn't hold this against her.  Below, I have compiled a Pros and Cons list to consider before signing on to be BFF's with Mrs. Fletcher. 

Pro: A reliable exercise buddy.  Most noticable in the first season of the show, Jessica is constantly being shown on camera in exercise attire.  She runs, rides her bike all over Cabot Cove, and spends a lot of time sweating away the pounds out in her garden.  If you've been looking for someone to get in shape with, Jessica is your woman. 

Con: She is smarter, and makes more money than you.  If you are one of those people who has to be the center of attention in your group of friends, who has to be the smartest, the prettiest, the richest, then you probably shouldn't spend much time with Jessica Fletcher.  She will always, always outsmart you, even if she acts like she has no idea what is going on.  Plus, she is a bestselling author with an endless supply of book ideas so you know she will always have more stashed away in the bank than you could ever hope to earn your entire life.  So between the books and the murders solving her face is always going to be plastered in newspapers, bookstores, magazines, maybe even Times Square.  All those with jealousy issues need not apply.

Pro: She will always defend your honor.  Jessica is a true blue friend.  She will go to the ends of the earth for you and back....as long as you're not a cold-blooded killer.  If you need to know anything about Jessica it is this: she will stick by you to the bitter end, defend your name and your honor to the police, and work tirelessly until your good name has been restored.  Hey, that's just the kind of thing true friends do for each other. 

Con: You will always be a murder suspect.  Okay, so this ties in with the pro that was just mentioned above.  Unfortunately, one of the downfalls of befriending a woman who always is around when people are being killed is that before long, the police are going to turn a crooked eye on her and all her friends, no matter how many people she helps put behind bars.  Which means that it's only a matter of time before the police will drag you off to jail, as you stare helplessly at Jessica through the window of a police cruiser, silently pleading with her to solve the crime in time enough for you to make it back to work and not have to explain to your boss that you missed half the week because you were rotting away in a jail cell in a small town no one has ever heard of.  I personally would give Jessica a pass on this particular con as long as it only happened once.  But repeated occurrences would force me to seriously consider the benefits of this particular friendship. 

Pro: Lots of spontaneous travel.  If you spend your days living and working in the quaint, small town of Cabot Cove, Maine, chances are you will need to escape every now and again to remind yourself there is a bigger world out there.  And who better to escape with than your rich, generous, bestselling author buddy?  Jessica travels a lot.  She has probably travelled the entire continental U.S. and selected parts of Europe.  Who's to say she wouldn't love to have a travel companion every now and then?  If you're up for visiting some exotic and not-so-exotic locales, and doing a bit of amateur sleuthing along the way, you and Jessica were made to be pals.        

Cons: People are going to die.  Lots and lots of people.  And somewhere along the line, one of those people could be you.  Hey, I'm not trying to cast a dark shadow over your potential new friend but her track record should speak for itself.  So go forth and make friends....if you dare! 

Am I housewife material?

My friend Pam and I had a most interesting conversation over the holidays.  We were discussing life, which inevitably led to discussing work, which inevitably led us both to the same conclusion that we are tired of working for other people and would like to just be able to go out and do our own thing.  Or, we would like to be housewives.  

Now friends, please do not get all super feminist on me and decide I am a traitor to females everywhere.  Because that is truly not the case.  And please do not roll your eyes and jump to the conclusion that I am just too lazy and too unmotivated to go to work everyday and be productive.  This is also not true....most of the time.

If we are being honest with ourselves we will readily admit that we hold a very strong stigma against women who don't work.  We will think bad thoughts about them (not really, really bad, but just kinda bad), and we will call them lazy and not smart enough to go out and establish a decent career.  We might call them golddiggers, and we might assume that they just lay around watching TV and gabbing on the phone all day.

But deep down, we also secretly want to be them.

Who wouldn't want to have that kind of freedom?  That kind of possibility?  Who wouldn't want to have that kind of time available to tap into your hidden potential and essentially find out what it is you really want to do?

Because being a housewife isn't just about cooking, cleaning, and folding socks.  Well, okay maybe that's a small part of it, but there is also the notion that you have to get involved with things in order to keep from going crazy by yourself in the house all day.  This means time to volunteer, time to help others, time to try new things and open up doors that might not be accessible because of your 9-5 work life.

I suppose it's also a bit of a selfish career path.  You know, the whole part about expecting someone else to go out and make money and support you while you just hang out around the house, walk dogs at the Humane Society, and maybe meet your friends for lunch once in awhile.  Yes, I can see something a bit selfish in that mindset.

However, I'm willing to bet that I'm not the only one who harbors this secret fantasy (which I suppose is no longer a secret).  But you see, women are not supposed to admit this to anyone.  We aren't supposed to be content anymore with being homemakers.  We are supposed to want to play with the big boys, climb the corporate ladder, and hold important positions with long elaborate titles.  So....what if we don't want that?  Are we traitors to the women's movement?  Or are we just honest?

However, if the women's movement was supposed to be about choice, why do we pass such harsh judgement on certain women who choose to be homemakers, who choose to stay home and raise their kids?  Do we find them to be "less than?"  Does the fact that they shampoo the living room rugs on Monday morning instead of attend a staff meeting make them somehow beneath women who work?  

And the thing is, being a housewife is not easy.  I don't personally have any experience (yet) but when you think about all the different things that have to be done to keep a house in order, it adds up pretty fast.  And if one happens to have children, this multiplies the duties by about 100.  But people love to make the argument that if they can work, raise their kids, and take care of the house then everyone should be able to do it.  I believe this ties into the idea that we feel everything in life should be "fair."  If I have to work, then she should have to work.  We don't want anyone getting through life easier than we are. 

We were all made to do different things, and we are all good at doing different things.  When I was working at my very first full-time summer job my supervisor told me that she didn't think I was made to work in an office setting.  She said I needed more freedom to do my own thing.  Was this a compliment?  Some sort of in-depth analysis?  Or was she trying to tell me I was doing a really crappy job filing invoices?  Looking back, I think it was a mix of all three.  (And on a sidenote, I absolutely hated that job). 

Some women were made to excel in the corporate world.  Others are more adept at chairing volunteer committees and holding fundraising bake sales.  Neither of these attributes should be frowned upon.  

I have no doubt that I have been judged up and down as you have been reading this post.  In truth, I've been judging myself a little bit as well.  Nobody wants to be guilty of endorsing gender stereotypes, but I can't help it if my dream job entails cooking, cleaning, and volunteering.  Hey, I know it's tough work, but I think I'm up for it.