Facebook Fast Day 3: Conquering the boredom

Welcome to day three of the Facebook Fast!  I'm struggling right now, fighting every impulse and muscle in my hand to not log into Facebook.  I'm trying to console myself by explaining to myself that it isn't my fault.  You see, the reason I'm having such a hard time with this is really just because of one tiny minuscule feeling that is all too common during the work day. 

I'm bored.  I'm restless.  And I need a way to distract myself until it's time to throw on my gym clothes and escape for my noontime workout session.  Thank God it's finally after 11 a.m..  Right around the 10:15 a.m. mark I was silently going crazy at my desk, not knowing how the hell I was going to make it until noon when I could escape from the small corner that is my office and release myself from the confines of this computer screen. 

I hate boredom.  Hate it with such a passion there are no words to describe.  I feel so useless when I'm bored, and worse I lose my motivation to do, well, ANYTHING!  The mornings at work are the worse.  Don't ask me why, but the hours just drag and I find myself cruising from one pointless website to another and daydreaming about all the other things I wish I could be doing instead of wasting away in silence.  I have quite a flair for the dramatic, don't I?

To read this you would probably think that I don't do any work at all.  I promise you this isn't the case, and between bouts of random Internet surfing I really do manage to get a sufficient amount of work accomplished.  In fact, I am ahead of the game right now which might account for some of the boredom.  And here I didn't think there would ever be a downside to being over productive. 

So this is why I feel my urge to conquer the Facebook hold on my life has been something of a struggle.  I am just so desperate for the distraction to pass the time it's literally driving me crazy.  

Okay, only 45 minutes until gym time.  Once you get over the noon hour hump the rest of the day is smooth sailing, right?  Now I am off to see if I can think of anymore random, interesting things to Google. 

Dear God, save me now!

Facebook Fast: Day 2

Day two of my Facebook fast didn't start out as smoothly as day one.  Upon arriving at work I did my standard perusing of blogs, checking email, and making my To-Do list for the day.  But I had to fight, and I mean really fight against my finger wanting to click the mouse over the Facebook icon.  

In a way I felt almost left out.  Left out of whatever might be happening in the online world that I might want to know about, that I might need to be a part of.

Then I wondered exactly what that something could possibly be.  Besides, wasn't my involvement in Facebook limited to more of a voyeuristic nature?  Don't I subscribe to the notion of learning what I could about others, but not revealing too much about myself?

Regardless of what I think I might be missing out on, I have fought temptation and am still living a Facebook-free day.  In all honestly I feel kind of silly about this confession.  In fact this entire experiment reeks of silliness and utter ridiculousness.  Not logging into a website for a week?  How hard can that be?  

As I am quickly discovering it's harder than it sounds.  This leads me to believe that Facebook, that the simple act of logging into this site every day (usually multiple times), is an addiction.  It's a conditioned response for me every time I sit down at my computer.  Check the email, check the news headlines, log into Facebook.  Respond to some emails, check the bank balance, log into Facebook.  


At this stage in the game this I am still making the conscious choice to abstain from Facebook.  I'm hoping by the end of the week it will just be a natural tendency. 

The Facebook fast

Last week I was a bit of a Facebook junkie.  I was logging in on my computer, on my phone, posting status updates at 1 a.m., and trolling the News Feed for signs of activity from my friends. 

Over the weekend I had a mini-intervention and have decided to undertake what I feel is a very important experiment. 

I will not, I repeat, NOT log into Facebook for at least a week.  No status updates, no looking at pictures, I am officially on a Facebook Fast. 

I want to see exactly how much more productive I am when not wasting away on this social media site.  I also want to see if I can detect any direct correlation between not using Facebook and my overall happiness.  Sometimes when I get sucked into the Facebook vortex I will spend way too much time clicking from one profile to the next, searching for group and business pages, only to suddenly look at the clock and realize 30 minutes have gone by and I completely forgot about the thing I was reminding myself to do before I logged in and became enamored with photos and status updates.   This leaves me feeling frustrated, and in a rush to get things done to make up for the time I just wasted doing absolutely nothing on Facebook.

I am curious....will there be withdrawal symptoms?  Will I find myself asking other people to update me on Facebook activity?  Will my absence from the social media giant even be noticed by others?  The answers to these vexing questions will make themselves known as the week goes on.

I'm sure on the grand spectrum this Facebook avoidance isn't really going to affect my daily life one way or the other.  I'm already 4 hours into my experiment and so far my day has moved along relatively smooth, in fact for being only 12:20 I have already accomplished quite a bit for a Monday work day.  

Hmmmm.....maybe the positive side effects are already starting to show?   

   

What is your dream job?

On one of my job interviews as a college student I was asked a fun question.  What is your dream job?  Now, as a college student my dream job was anything that would pay above minimum wage and allow me to work flexible hours, preferably not on the weekends.  Furthermore, why this question had any relevance at all for a job that entailed janitorial work at the Student Recreation Center I have no idea.  But ask the question they did, which meant I had no choice but to come up with a creative answer. 

I really love when I am able to surprise myself, because that is exactly what happened in this particular situation.  This was a question I had never given much thought to, and while I knew it was a reality I would soon have to face the whole idea of working after college was still a foreign concept to me.  Which is why when I opened my mouth to answer this question (and rather quickly, too), I was amazed at what I said. 

My dream job was to own and operate a used bookstore.  Those of you who know me well are probably thinking, "Well, DUH!" But I was stunned by the assurance of my answer, the conviction of the words, and the light bulb that instantly turned on in my head.  In truth my interviewers were somewhat shocked by my answer (possibly impressed?) and proceeded with some follow-up questions.  Well, just one question really.  Why?

Hmmmm.....why indeed.  Well for starters, I love books.  Not just the act of reading but just books in general.  They are (even the bad ones) parallel worlds made up of powerful words, images, ideas, and information.  Books are a thing to be treasured, to be passed down through time, to be studied, and to inspire.  (Note:  I did not say these exact words during my interview, but given a few years to ponder the question I have since expanded on the answer).  Aside from the books themselves, there is just something so enticing about used bookstores.  The search for the perfect book, the discovery of a long forgotten favorite, and the satisfaction of finding something you weren't even looking for.  

I feel like this is something I could be truly happy doing.  My entire life there have been two things which have consistently made me truly happy, and that is reading and writing.  I realize there would be more to this ambition than meets the eye, since a lot more goes into running a business than putting some books on a shelf and assuming people will come snatch them all up.  But the notion, the very idea that this is something I would actually wake up in the morning and WANT to do.....that is something I cannot ignore.  

On the front page of Monday's newspaper was the announcement that after 30 years a local bookstore owner was planning to retire and was hoping to sell the business, preferable to someone who would continue to run it as a bookstore.  I read the article, folded up the paper, and thought back to those five loaded words. 

What is your dream job?

I'm not in college anymore.  I feel like I know what my dream job is.  And now I see this article.  I've never been one to believe in signs.....but is this a call to action of some kind?  Is it time to consider doing something risky?     

My head is suddenly filled with questions and I don't have definite answers.  I feel like my entire life I have made a point to be practical and safe.  And now?  Now I'm ready to try a new approach. 

The bearer of good news

We all know how good it can feel to receive good news.  Whether about major or minor subjects, it always feels nice to land on the side of good and not bad.  

For me, delivering good news to someone else is also a most pleasurable experience.  It's one of those things that brings on, for me at least, an instant surge of happiness and optimism.  I can't help but smile and feel slightly euphoric, even if the news doesn't directly affect me in any way. 

Today I had the pleasure of phoning a young man who is going to be interning at my work starting in May.  He hadn't responded to my initial email about receiving the position, so I called to follow-up and make sure he had gotten my message.  Turns out he hadn't checked his email yet, so this was the first he had heard about landing the position.  He was ecstatic.  I could literally hear the smile in his voice over the phone as he started telling me how this had made his day, and how he was so excited and grateful.  The corners of my mouth couldn't help but turn up in a big grin, and my afternoon instantly went from mediocre to great.  

I'm so glad that it fell on my shoulders to make this phone call, because I needed a small moment like this to remind me how nice it is to be the bearer of good news.  Sometimes we get too caught up in ourselves, too worried about spoiling ourselves, and we forget how nice it can be to contribute to the happiness factor of others. 

Talk about a very satisfying moment to what would have otherwise been a drab Monday afternoon.  Hopefully Tuesday will be just as inspiring.     

Who we were in high school

There are so many wonderful things to remember about high school.  The friends, the sports, the jokes, the fun teachers, and the trips.  There are also a lot of not so wonderful things to remember about high school.  The so-called friends, the gossip, the failed romances, the bad decisions, and those all too common feelings of teenage angst.  

We should all consider ourselves lucky to have survived such a tumultuous time.  And while I'm sure it was more tumultuous for some rather than others, we all have our own private collections of great and not so great memories.  

At some point during the end of my college career, I was thinking back on high school and my friends from that time, and it amazed me how many of them I simply didn't talk to anymore, as well as how many of them I did not even consider a friend.  Of course, this is what happens after high school as people move on, meet new people, and create new lives and new existences for themselves.  Not a huge revelation by any means. 

The other day I was sucked into that parallel universe we call Facebook, and I found myself cruising through the profiles of a lot of my old high school friends.  Some I had graduated with, some were a few years older, and others who graduated while I was still in middle school.  As I looked at the pictures and posts of these people, I found old feelings being stirred up.  High school feelings.  People who I had been close with at one time or another, people who had intimidated me with their perceived cool factor, and others who I had never been on great terms with but for some reason or another decided I was a Facebook-worthy friend. 

It was a weird sensation, because by all intents and purposes we are all different people now.  Most of these people I never even talk with anymore, and yet those teenage feelings still linger.  They are still there just beneath the surface and no amount of time can diminish them completely.  

This led me to an interesting thought which I'm sure has crossed all our minds at one time or another.  Do we ever really change, or are we simply the same people we were in high school?
And on another note, do we want to be the same person we were in high school?

I for one know I have changed, and all for the better.  I have become more outspoken, not so inclined to follow the lead of others if I don't believe they are right.  I am less inclined to tolerate backstabbing, something I now realize I put up with on almost a daily basis in the halls of my school.  And I have learned how to be in a relationship.  How to love someone truthfully and completely and not worry about what I might be missing with someone else.  

But in other ways I haven't changed....not entirely.  I still try to avoid confrontation, and am still on my endless quest for perfection in everything from writing, to arranging pictures on my TV stand.  I'm not completely comfortable standing out from the crowd, even though I try to pretend I am.  I'm still quiet, still a bit shy, and I still try to spare people's feelings, even if I don't really like them.

It has been almost ten years since I graduated from high school, and in that time I suppose I thought more things about me would be different.  I also thought more things about my life would be different, and maybe they are, just not exactly in the way I pictured all those years ago.  I am still close with a few of the people I graduated with, and over the years I have been able to observe the changes in them, and the way they have grown.  But I have also been able to see how some things about people never change.  The insecurities, the likes and dislikes, the trust, the dependability. 

So what is it about high school that creates these everlasting feelings and traits?  What happens to us during those four years that shapes us for the rest of our lives?  Is it just going to school, or is there more to it than that?

I think it's a little bit of everything.  It's the friends we make, break, and keep.  It's the sports we play, lose, and win.  It's the romances we commit to, break up, regret, but ultimately learn from.  It's the process of being knocked down and learning how to get back on our feet.  A lot of this takes place within the walls of a school, but so much of it also happens outside the walls, and within ourselves. 

I don't think it's a bad thing to be the same person you were in high school.  I also don't think it's a bad thing to change a little along the way.....in fact, it might be impossible not to.  The way I see it, those four years of unpredictability are nothing more than a crash course to what lies in not so far off distance.

Real life.  Which in some ways might actually be scarier than high school. 

Honesty

Most of us are not naive enough to believe that people are completely honest all the time.  And yet most of us will always proclaim that being honest in any given situation is always the best way to go.  Do we all agree?  Don't lie. 

I am not honest all the time.  I lie about stuff almost every day, usually about small things like "No, I'm not too busy to work on that," or "Yea, my day is going great."  We usually don't make too big a deal over statements like this, which are commonly referred to as little white lies.  And they are little, and pretty insignificant, and we usually make them without giving it a second thought.  It becomes natural to tell these lies to people we encounter everyday.  Because let's face it, does the checker at the grocery store really want us to go into detail on the terrible day we've been having?  I seriously doubt it, and on top of that I don't want to take the time and energy to talk about it. 

The thing about lying is that it's contagious, kind of like a cold.  We will do it to other people, spread it around as we see fit, until eventually it comes full circle and we are lying to ourselves.  

Lying to ourselves. 

It doesn't even really seem possible, does it?  I mean, how can a person lie to themselves about anything, when it's inevitable that they know the truth?  While this is a hard phenomenon to explain, the fact is that it happens every single day, and we all do it. 

What do we gain from lying to ourselves?  What purpose does it serve?  Ultimately it allows us to put off dealing with tough situations.  And it also means that we can continue to think of ourselves as practically perfect....because we can just lie away our faults, and skip over certain situations in our life that we aren't particularly proud of.  So maybe it isn't even the fact that we're lying to ourselves, but instead denying certain things and refusing to examine them in the correct light. 

I see this as a type of internal defense mechanism.  If we aren't honest with ourselves about certain things then we are inevitably sparing ourselves pain or potential awkwardness.  It's hard for us to willingly put ourselves in vulnerable situations, so we choose to go on the defensive and not face up to the facts.  

I always feel more guilty about lying to myself than when I do to other people.  Is this a sign of selfishness?  Is this a strange thing to feel guilty about?  

Unless we make a conscious effort, I suppose we can't help but always be on the defensive about our feelings and about the way we look at things.  I suppose the important thing is to eventually come around to being honest and facing the truth, even if it just takes a little longer.             

Productivity

A lot of us won't admit it, but there is a point during almost every work day, when we know for a fact that we will do nothing at all productive for the remainder of the day.  Sometimes there is no reason behind this, it just happens and we have to ride it out. 

Sometimes I don't even have to be at work and I will still find myself up against this conundrum.  For instance, I tell myself I'm going to sit on the couch and watch the remainder of a TV show.  This leads into sitting through another show, and another, until I look at the clock and decide it's too late in the day to start any other projects and I resign myself to sloth-like status for the remainder of the evening.   I'm not exactly proud of these moments, but I'm only human and they happen to everyone.

It is entirely my nature to be a productive person.  I don't feel truly at ease unless I have about five different projects happening simultaneously, and five more waiting on the back burner.  Usually when I get home from work my first move is not to sit down and relax but to do the dishes, walk the dogs, sort through the mail, anything to make me feel like I am being productive.

Ahhhh, productive.  How we love to throw that word around.  Doesn't it just elicit warm, happy feelings?  Doesn't it just completely reaffirm your self-worth?  Case and point: if you are being productive you are not being lazy, and if you are not being lazy you are not a worthless human being.  Yes, I would say that's an instant mood booster.

Of course, it isn't enough to just be productive at work.  Most of us will try to continue the trend into our non-work lives as well.  We pack our weekends with an endless list of To-Do items, we try to think of every little possible thing we have been putting off and decide that this is the weekend it's all going to get done.  We say this on a Friday, and when Sunday rolls around we think, "Well, guess I'll get to that next weekend."

Maybe not everyone faces this dilemma, but I for one feel strange when I am not being productive.  I find it hard to sit still, hard to turn my mind off and focus, hard to just.....relax.  

I fear I may suffer from over-productivity. 


Where does this obsession come from?  Is it a cultural thing?  A genetic thing?  Or do some of us just get a natural high from checking things off a list? 


A couple posts back I wrote about time, and the feeling I constantly have that there just isn't enough time in any given day to do all the things I want to do.  Perhaps these two feelings are connected.  If I am being overly productive, I am in a sense in a race against time.  I am getting things done even with limited hours, even with the clock bearing down on me and ultimately forcing me to call it quits.  Is this normal.....or slightly disturbing?


Whatever the case may be, I honestly feel that To-Do list or not, sometimes it's better if we allow ourselves the freedom to be unproductive.  To just be.  


For some us, being able to do that might be the best productivity of all.
 

New age reader

Last week I made a decision that will forever change the way I read.

I purchased a Kindle.

I have resisted the e-reader craze for quite some time now.  Being a purist at heart, I couldn’t bring myself to trade the feel of a book in my hands, with actual pages to turn, for something that I essentially figured was akin to reading off a computer screen (which I hate). 

Of course, I also couldn’t deny the fact that my already overflowing bookcases were not going to magically expand, and while I knew there were probably some paperbacks in the collection I could bear to part with, others I knew would be with me for life.

So I researched, polled my friends, and in the end decided the Kindle was the way to go.  I am more than halfway through my first book on the device, and so far I have zero complaints.  I am honestly amazed at how well I have made the adjustment from printed to electronic word.  I am very impressed with how closely the typeset on the screen resembles that of a real book.  Much easier on the eyes than your run of the mill computer screen, that’s for sure.  And of course, the accessibility to literally thousands of titles with a less than 60 second download is quite enticing.  It’s the kind of instant gratification I have been yearning for my entire reading life.  

However, my new-found love of the Kindle has not diminished my appreciation for the printed word.  Books, real books, have always been such an important part of my life I don’t think I could ever completely trade them in.  Sitting down in the evening with a book in your hand, hearing the quiet rustle of the turning pages, this is a timeless experience that will never be able to be fully duplicated by an e-reader.  There’s something about the weight of the book, the smell of the pages, the anticipation that builds as one nears the end of a story, it’s that something that has shaped my love of reading from a very young age, and I will never be able to let it go.

But, in the interest of reducing clutter in my house and still being able to indulge in near obsessive reading habits, I have a feeling my Kindle and I are going to be the best of friends.   

Urge to explore

As a kid growing up, I was big on exploration.  Lucky for me I lived on a farm out in the country so I had literally miles and miles at my disposal.  Out in back of our house was a farm equipment graveyard.  Old combines, trucks, headers, not to mention several old, dilapidated sheds.  I can't begin to put a guess to the number of hours I spent back there looking through these old treasures.  Not in search of anything in particular, yet secretly hoping for a grand discovery, the key to a long forgotten mystery, something that would in some way alter my life. 

Probably the most exciting thing I ever found in those old sheds was my dad's old go-cart, and while exciting in its own right, it wasn't quite the fabulous discovery I had been imagining. 

However, my lack of great discovery never diminished the excitement of the exploration.  With each new trip out back and beyond there was new possibility, and that alone made me hunger for more.  

During my sophomore summer of high school I went to Europe with some other kids from my school.  I was young, too young to really know what to expect in regards to traveling overseas.  My first couple days I was consumed by homesickness and overwhelmed by the enormity of being an entire ocean away from my family.  

Then something happened.  

I allowed myself to forget about home and focus on the here and now.  I asked questions.  I talked to locals.  I rode a giant Ferris wheel with two boys from Scotland whose accents were so thick I could barely understand a word they said.  I stopped being sad and started being curious.   
I got lost in the Louvre, was rendered speechless by my first sighting of the Coliseum, and listened along with thousands of others to the Pope as he spoke from his balcony.

I wandered, and I explored. 

Both of these examples, at their core, share the same moral of exploration, of discovery, or at least the possibility of discovery.  And lately I have felt a familiar urge begin to stir.  The urge to open doors and see what lies in the shadows, to visit a place I have never been before and learn all there is to know about this vast world we live in. 

The urge to explore, to learn, never leaves us.  And while sometimes we yearn for the familiar, every now and then we should do ourselves a favor and embrace the new, the unfamiliar.

The unknown. 



 

 

Dinner for two

Like most young adults, I didn't start cooking until I moved out of my parent's house.  I would on occasion bake at home, but cooking meals was something I never actively participated in.  Now I cook a lot, probably at least 4 days a week on average.  For the most part I find it enjoyable, my least favorite part being the dirty dishes that accumulate by the end of the process.

I am also a pretty nonjudgmental eater, meaning that I love all kinds of food and am willing to try all kinds of food and different recipes.  And while my husband is not too picky, there are times when my "different" dinner ideas get shot down for something more conventional. 

This is the dilemma one usually faces when having to cook for two.  But who really has the most control over the situation?  The cook or the complainer?

Usually I only get my way on certain meals if I stomp my feet and throw a mini tantrum.  It's shameless, I know.  But when dinner ideas clash someone has to come out on top, and there are some nights when I will do everything possible to make sure it's me. 

If I lived by myself I would eat pasta like it's going out of style.  All different kinds, with all different sauces, and all types of meat/veggie combinations.  Dean tires of pasta rather quickly, so I have to be strategic when working it into the weekly menu.  On the other side of things, if he had his way we would eat Mexican food seven days a week.  I suppose everyone has their niche. 

My overall observation here is that it's kind of interesting what aspects of your life change or are altered when you are in a committed relationship.  Especially if you happen to live with the person.  I wouldn't go so far as to say I have given up certain foods because my husband doesn't like them, but I definitely don't indulge in them as often.  Would this be different if i were single?  You betcha.  

It also leads me to wonder how much this principle applies to other areas of our lives.  For instance, aside from dinner choices, what else do we adapt to, alter, change, even give up when we are in a relationship?  Sure, we all say that you should never have to give up or change anything about yourself in order to be with someone else, and while this notion is most definitely grounded in truth, it still happens.  Not always in big, outlandish ways, but definitely on a more subtle scale. 

Part of this is compromise.  Part of this is learning how to make a life with someone in the midst of work, school, hobbies, friends, and family.  And all obstacles are never completely solved, even after marriage.  Situations come up on a daily basis and sometimes we know we have to make the decision that will work for the betterment of two people, and not just ourselves. 

Kind of incredible how a post about cooking dinner can veer off into a deeper tangent, isn't it?  

And by the way, spaghetti is on the menu for dinner tonight.  Isn't compromise a wonderful thing?