On secrets

We all have secrets.  Big ones, small ones, everyday ones, and life-changing ones.  We keep these secrets from certain people and share them with others.  Sometimes we confide different secrets to different people and trust that they won't tell anyone else.  But some secrets we don't share with anyone.  Not our wives, husbands, parents, or best friends.  Some things we keep solely in our own minds to share with only ourselves.  Because once you share with another person, a secret really isn't a secret any more, is it?

Would you rather share a secret of your own or harbor one for someone else?  Are you one who loves to share or do you prefer instead to listen?  We pick and choose our confidants, our trustees, but there's never a guarantee that our confessions are safe.  Sometimes things slip, or are hinted at, and surely enough what started out as a secret soon becomes common knowledge.

I suppose it's different for every person, the process of deciding which secrets to tell and those to keep.  Sometimes this changes over time as we become more comfortable with ourselves or with the choices we've made.  Sometimes we never get there, and certain things are hidden forever.....for better or worse.

Do you have to know all a person's secrets in order to really know them?  Is that paramount in order to establish a real connection?  Or is it in fact good to have secrets, even from the people you love?  Haven't we all been in a situation where revealing too much did more harm than good?

I have a hard time keeping secrets.  Not other people's, but my own.  Having them makes me anxious, and big or small I find that I can't help but confide in someone.  Thankfully I know that I have an amazing confidant at my disposal just about every day.  And yet.....sometimes I will keep little, insignificant, tiny things to myself.  Sometimes I won't divulge the whole story or share all of my thoughts.  I don't do this for any reason other than the fact that I think sometimes all of us just want certain things for ourselves.  When you get married or even just get involved in a committed relationship with another person, it's very easy to get into the "we" mindset and everything that goes along with that.  Sometimes you feel like you are obligated to tell all, when in reality it's not always necessary.

I can't keep the big things to myself, or the stressful things, the aggravating issues, and even some of my biggest fears.  Those secrets I find hard to keep and ultimately I wind up spilling my guts.  But sometimes I find that it feels good to have select thoughts and observations that are mine and mine alone.  Married or not married, relationship or no relationship, I think we all feel this way about certain issues. 

Sometimes as good as it feels to confide, it can feel even better to stay silent. 

On Valentine's Day

Happy Valentine's Day, faithful readers!  I hope you are indulging your sweet tooth and surrounding yourself with thoughts of love and mushy romantic musings.  Or perhaps you are more inclined to sit back and watch as those around you make a huge production over one of Hallmark's favorite holidays.  I know my News Feed has been blowing up all day with Valentine's related posts, each one more endearing than the next.  But I'm not here to complain, honestly.  That just happens to offer a good transition into the heart of this post. 

I think we can all agree that when it comes to Valentine's Day, people fall into one of two categories.  They either embrace the holiday wholeheartedly or they boycott and do nothing but complain.  There's nothing wrong with the overall premise of Valentine's Day, because really what could be wrong with telling someone how much you love them?  But a lot of people tend to get sick and tired of having Valentine's Day shoved down their throat starting the day after Christmas.  And that's where the resistance comes in.  They don't want to feel like they HAVE to give in to the hearts and chocolates, or that they have to send roses and stuffed animals and spend a fortune on dinner at a crowded restaurant.  No argument from this corner.  Retail stores definitely put us through the ringer when it comes to holidays like this.  I almost turned and ran when I walked into Safeway this weekend and saw hundreds upon hundreds of pink and red balloons wafting toward the ceiling.  It was quite overwhelming. 

Lately I have become more annoyed with the people who openly protest Valentine's Day to every person they know.  Don't want to celebrate?  No problem.  But is it really necessary to go down the laundry list of reasons every time the subject comes up?  

Dean and I fall into the category of minor celebrants.  We don't go over the top or feel pressure to plan a big elaborate date night just because it's Valentine's Day, but we still find little ways to make the day special for us.  If Valentine's Day is good for one thing, it's that at least it serves as some kind of reminder to show and express our love and appreciation for the people in our lives who mean the most.  Because I'm sure there are plenty of us out there who don't always show that love and appreciation as much or as often as we should.   

Valentine's Day is what it is.  You can take it or you can leave it, you can celebrate or choose to boycott.  But we should all try and look beyond the balloons, the chocolates, the stuffed animals, and realize that at its "heart", Valentine's Day is about realizing the people in our lives we love.  So if nothing else, try and celebrate that.  It's sure a lot better than complaining.

On eating right

WARNING:  I'm going to every so slightly rant.  If you're not in the mood then check back tomorrow and I'll try and be a bit more neutral.

Here's what's up.  We all know that eating right is like super mucho grande important.  It helps us in our eternal struggle to lose or maintain our weight, to keep our bodies healthy with much needed vitamins and minerals, and it also makes us feel better about ourselves.  I for one feel good and energized when I'm putting the right foods in my body as opposed to an entire box of Oreos.

But sometimes.....don't you just really want to eat the Oreos?  Maybe not an entire box, you're right, that was a huge exaggeration.  Maybe just one delicious chocolatey creme filled row.  Yum to the tenth degree.

Today is just one of those days where I am freaking sick and tired of reading about and hearing people talk about eating healthy.  Please don't take this to mean I'm an anti-fruit and veggie girl, but I feel like every time I turn around I'm getting health food thrown in my face which makes me feel guilty that I'm sitting here at my desk fantasizing about going home and making chocolate pudding.  I'm telling ya, I have a sweet tooth that refuses to quit.

I have read many an article about eating healthy and all the right and wrong ways to diet.  Everything in moderation, blah, blah, blah.  And while I'm the type of person who was not made to diet, I hate that at times I actually feel guilty about the food I want to eat.  Like at lunch today when I knew I should want to make myself a garden salad but instead decided to munch on the 7-layer taco dip leftover from Super Bowl.  Obviously the dip won out, but I could feel my inner self silently chiding away.  I felt bad for maybe a minute.....then I had my first chip loaded with dip and it quickly became a non-issue.

What is the point?  Yes, we always have to have a point, don't we?  Okay, I guess that for some reason today has been one of those days where the endless tirade of healthy eating promos has just gotten under my skin.  We get it.  Eat your fruits, vegetables and whole grains.  I'm on board 100%.  But I refuse to live in a world that wants to make me feel bad about my desire to eat some red velvet cake ice cream for dessert tonight after dinner.  Do you hear me world?  Just lay off already!  Although really, it's not the world and everyone in it that makes me feel those pangs of food guilt, it's me, and the impossibly high standards I set for myself to be a perfect human in all ways.

Oh, and by the way.  Does anyone else sometime get annoyed by people posting about food in their Facebook status updates?  Like somehow they think they're better than the rest of us because they say they are eating a tofu sandwich (if there is such a thing), when in reality they're probably polishing off a Big Mac from McDonalds?  Keep your tofu, friend, I'll stick to my bag of Oreos.     

 

On Facebook and weddings

Because I am always open to reading about Facebook and other social media trends, I found this little list on MSN.com to be particularly interesting.  The list detailed 5 Ways Facebook Can Ruin Your Wedding.

While a few of the things were fairly obvious, such as the privacy of your bachelorette party photos being non-existent, I thought that number three on the list, "People assume they are invited to your wedding because you are Facebook friends," deserved some food for thought. 

I have written before about Facebook and friendships, but here again is another phenomenon in which we realize there are very big differences between our everyday friendships and our online ones.  First of all, I am wondering how many people out there would even jump to this crazy assumption.  Weddings are not only very intimate affairs, but they're also damned expensive ones.  I know that when Dean and I were planning for our nuptials we got a tad picky with the guest list in the interest of trying to keep our final catering bill to a minimum, and then there was the obvious fact that we only wanted close friends and family there with us to share our big day.  

I just think there has to be a huge disconnect somewhere if people equate Facebook friendships with automatic wedding invites.  And how totally ballsy to actually write on someone's wall and express that sentiment!  No, I don't have an actual example of this happening, but if it made the list you just know it has happened to someone.  

Here's thing.  Friendships in the social media world are really a thing of convenience.  I'm not saying you can't be great friends with someone you hardly ever get to see via Facebook, but for those people on your friends list you aren't really that close to, you can choose when to interact with them.  You don't feel the need to drop by their page every other day to write messages, or invite them to events and parties.  Even people you are connected to who might have been a bestie at one point in your life doesn't mean that being Facebook friends elevates your friendship to that same status. 

And the big thing to remember?  These interactions of convenience are usually ALWAYS taking place online.  In my opinion unless there is a real world, real time effort to maintain a connection with someone it probably isn't going to amount to much.  And in no way am I trying to downplay maintaining long distance friendships via Facebook.....but you definitely know the difference of importance in your relationship with a person you met at a work conference three years ago as opposed to your college roommate who lives on the other side of the country.

People who you make a point to call on the phone, to send real cards in the mail, to arrange to meet for dinner or coffee, these are more than likely the people who are going to get an invite to your wedding.  These are your "real world" friendships and they are the ones that mean the most.  So please, just because someone announces their engagement on Facebook do not make the mistake of interpreting that as an official invite to the party.  Unless you see it in the mail, it's all in your head.  

On millennials

Let me just start out by saying it feels great to be home.  Home never feels as nice as it does when you have been away, even for just a few days. 

I recently returned from a work conference in Houston which all in all was a fairly decent trip.  My co-worker and I managed to fit in some sightseeing between conference sessions so it wasn’t a week of all work and no play, and I got to enjoy some delicious seafood in Galveston while we took in the Gulf of Mexico.  While I don’t anticipate returning to Texas anytime soon it was nice to experience some of what the state has to offer.  But for me, coming back to the Pacific Northwest just felt amazing.  I love it here and feel inclined to repeat the opening sentence of this post:  It feels good to be home.

I’ve been chewing on a phrase that was thrown out at the conference because for some reason I am slightly fascinated by this notion that I previously hadn’t given much thought to.  In discussing ways that alumni organizations can better engage with their young alumni audience, one of the presenters said that millennials (a made up word for people who graduated from college 0-10 years ago) are considered the “trophy generation.”

Trophy generation.  What an interesting concept.

Essentially this stems from the idea that millennials have existed and grown up in a world where everyone is a winner, and everyone gets awarded for their contributions and achievements, no matter how big or small.  Everyone always makes the team and no small deed goes unrewarded.  We expect to be commended for our good deeds (even if they aren’t that great) and are always looking for opportunities to seize the limelight.  To me this makes it sound like we, and yes I say we because I myself am in fact a millennial, are a slightly insecure generation; a generation of wayward souls constantly seeking approval and acceptance from our older peers.

Apparently, millennials get so accustomed to this trophy mentality that once they enter the workforce, real world, life after college, all of the above, their perceptions of how things really are and how the world really works are slightly skewed.  Suddenly there is real competition and failure is more often than not a very real possibility.

Now, I realize that this trophy generalization doesn’t apply to all areas and that not everyone in the millennial generation is used to being branded a winner.  But the mindset and the idea that win or lose one should always be commended for something; this is actually very real and can often do more harm than good.  Over praising and an acceptance of lackluster standards are not and should not be the norm.

When looking at this in terms of the workforce, I don’t think many millennials are having a hard time figuring out that when it comes to a professional career, being awarded with a job right out of college is no longer the current trend.  Suddenly it’s not enough to have graduated with honors and served as the president of any number of extracurricular clubs.  Millennials aren’t hoping so much to get hired as they are to just get an interview.  The majority of the generation has a very real grasp on the struggles that await them after being handed that diploma, which could be the most beneficial trophy for them to have over the next few years.

So where does this leave us?  Is the trophy generation a real phenomenon or just a mindset held by a handful of millennials across the board?  I think it depends on a number of factors, but at its core is the art of learning how to fail.  This is not a concept that should be isolated only to millennials, but to generations across the board.  Learn how to fail at something, learn how to get knocked off your feet, and learn how to better yourself the next time. 

Millennials are a generation of tech-savvy, civic minded, educated individuals.  And for many, I don’t think it’s so much about getting the trophy as it is about getting the opportunity for the trophy.  The opportunity to win, lose or draw.  

On feeling anxious

I have knots in my stomach.  Literal knots.  Loosening, tightening, slightly loosening, and really tightening.  I can feel them in there like tiny tumors.  Oh god, I hope I don't have a tumor....

I'm feeling a tad anxious, which is not uncommon because I get anxious and nervous about a lot of things.  It's just my nature, unfortunately.  In a way I've kind of learned to deal with it but that doesn't mean I have to like it.  Why the anxiety, you may ask?  Mainly it's because I'm traveling to Houston on Sunday with a colleague to attend a work conference, which in itself doesn't sound like a big deal but does in fact add to my nervous state of mind.  

For starters, traveling makes me anxious.  More specifically traveling on airplanes make me anxious.  It's not that I'm one of those people who fears every single plane I ride on is going to crash, it's just the whole airport scene and all the "Please take off your shoes, belt, jacket, oh, and we're going to have to screen all your internal organs before we will even think about letting you on this flight" nonsense that accompanies all air travel nowadays.  I think the lack of control I feel with flying is one of the things that just drives me crazy.  Because if your flight is delayed or canceled you kind of don't have any options.  Except to wait.  And wait.  And wait.  You are at the mercy of the weather, the plane, the airline, basically a ton of outside factors that you can do nothing about.  I'm just not flexible enough to deal with that kind of uncertainty.  On the bright side, I'm not traveling alone which is a huge plus for me because even though I can and do enjoy being a solitary person at times, going places on airplanes is not something I enjoy doing solo.  Plus, being in a new city with a familiar and favorite co-worker will help to loosen the knots a bit.  But airplanes aren't the only thing freaking me out right now.

To somewhat tie into the above paragraph, I'm feeling a tad anxious about upcoming events at work.  I'm feeling pressure on some things and while it's not to the point where I'm going to start ripping my hair out, I feel short of breath at times and am finding the environment somewhat stifling.  I realize that all jobs come with stress in some way shape or form, and to go even further living a life completely free of stress is almost impossible.  How one deals with stress is paramount and can essentially be the deciding factor in whether we succeed or fail at a lot of things in our lives.  I know this, and I try to cope with my stresses and anxieties accordingly.  But sometimes.....sometimes I just get tired of coping, of feigning calmness, of not freaking out.  Sometime I just want to cry it all out and bitch and moan.  In other words, I just want to throw a good ol' fashioned tantrum. 

On the personal side of things, feeling good about everything for the most part but am slightly terrified that I recently put myself out there and have kind of been asked to do so again because a final decision has yet to be made.  I know that probably doesn't make much sense because I didn't go into much detail on this subject, but essentially this new development is like drawing out the suspension which leads me to have second thoughts which means I am slightly in danger of crawling back in my shell and not taking a chance on myself.  Of course I know that happens it will have a horrible side effect in that I will end up feeling guilty and bad about myself, which probably would be worse than the anxiety I am feeling now. 

I need some confidence and I need it pronto.  I need a way to relieve myself without resorting to mass amounts of alcohol.  I just feel a bit detached from myself right now and I need to figure out how to reel myself back in. 

I really need these knots in my stomach to go away.      

Happy Birthday!

Today is my husband's birthday.  This is the ninth of Dean's birthdays that I have had the joy and the honor to celebrate with him.  Nine.  As in almost ten.  As in almost a decade.  As in where the hell as the time gone?

If you have been tuning into my posts on a somewhat regular basis you already are aware that Dean received his birthday present early, so alas, I am like the Little Drummer Boy with no gift to bring......except for the edible kind.  Last night I baked red velvet cupcakes with cream cheese frosting, and tonight after we more than likely go out to dinner we will come home and feast on these sinfully sugary, delicious creations until we can stand it no more.  My sweet tooth can hardly wait.

Dean never gets too excited about his birthday, or at least not outwardly excited.  Of course, for those of you who know Dean this more or less describes his demeanor on a day to day basis.  In a way, my husband and I are like two sides to two very different coins.  He seems to wear a perma-Poker face while I am forever displaying my emotions.  Except of course when it comes to sports.  If you want to see emotion you should have seen his face last weekend as we were watching the Giants vs. 49'ers game.....now that really put him through the ringer.    

I for one see birthdays as a wonderful time to remind people how much we care about them and appreciate their role in our lives.  To celebrate them and all their wonderful qualities.  And when it comes to wonderful qualities, my husband has quite a surplus.

When I met Dean we were both just kids in college, trying to navigate our way through the chaos that inevitably comes with being a young adult.  I knew from the first night I met Dean that we were going to be together for a long time.  I also knew after that first meeting that he was one of the most wonderful, decent people I had ever met.  Maybe that sounds unconvincing, and maybe some of you out there are rolling your eyes, but it's the truth.   

I've loved Dean almost since the day I met him, for a lot of big reasons and for hundreds of smaller ones.  I love him for his honesty, his thoughtfulness, and his seemingly never-ending patience.  I love that when I am anxious and freaking out about one thing or another he is there to calm me down, to always keep his cool.   

I love my husband for not being afraid to speak his mind, for being someone who is not afraid to point out wrongdoing and work to make amends.  I love that when we fight he forces me to talk things out so we don't  go to bed angry, that he is always willing to go the extra mile, to lend a helping hand, to not shy away from something he wants just because it might require some work.   I love that he's not afraid to be silly and spontaneous, that he's able to admit mistakes. 

What I love the most, what I am most excited about, is that we are on a journey together.  We have come so far since that first night we met, and have grown together as individuals and as a couple.  We are building a life, a family, a home together that might not always be perfect, but that has been filled with so much happiness I wouldn't trade a single day for anything.  I am thankful for my husband because he makes me a better person, and instills in me a confidence that no matter what challenges we might face, we will come through it all still in love and still together. 

So happy birthday to my one and only.  Here's to you and everything you are and have yet to become.  I love you more each and every day.