On time off

Tomorrow is the beginning of my week off from work.  Actually, it's nine days off of work, which to the average working person is the equivalent of an eternity.  I've been taking time off here and there throughout the summer, but nine days in a row is by far going to be the longest stretch. 

I don't know for certain yet how these next nine days are going to be spent, which is why I contemplated last week on condensing my time away and actually coming into work for a little bit next week.  Believe it or not, I actually felt a tiny tinge of guilt for planning to be away so long when I didn't have any definite plans.  I felt like since I was probably going to be in town anyway I should just come to work for a little bit so as not to fall behind on projects and events that are coming up.  In my mind this seemed like the responsible thing to do.

You know what bothers me the most in the above paragraph?  The fact that for a minute I actually felt guilty for planning to be away from work.  Isn't that slightly jaded, the notion that I was momentarily guilty for wanting to have some time to myself and take a break from the daily grind?

I'm bothered by this guilty mindset and it troubles me that I felt this way, even for a minute.  How many times have I preached about how important it is to step away from work, to take advantage of the "me" time, to not let work interfere with doing what you really want to do?  I try to stand by these mantras but for some reason I have a hard time practicing what I preach.  

Lately I've been way too plugged in.  I'm checking emails at night, thinking about work before drifting off to sleep, worrying about things I have to do for events that are months and months in the future, my mind literally refuses to block out work thoughts.  Some people might say that this means I'm really committed to what I do and that I care a lot about my work, but I for one know that isn't entirely the case.  While there are parts of my job that I really do value there are definitely aspects I could do without, and regardless of how I feel about the work I do the fact remains that work should not be all I think about during my time off.  I don't care how much you love your job, there has to be some separation somewhere. 

So.  I chose to keep my "vacation" scheduled.  I decided that plans or no plans, I deserved the time away and I deserved to let myself unplug from work for awhile.  I'm going to do my best and try to abstain from checking email during those nine days, which will be really difficult for me especially since it shows up instantly on my iPhone, meaning every time I look at my phone and see that little number above my inbox icon I will feel the urge to click in and read messages.  But I feel like it's important for me to really make the most of this separation while I can, and checking email is just one more way for work to invade my thoughts during a time when I can and should be focusing my attentions elsewhere. 

Maybe I dwell on this stuff too much.  Maybe I read too much into the whole work vs. time off thing and just come off sounding like a whiner.  If that's the case then so be it.  I just can't handle the fact that I felt guilty for even a second about being away from the office.  It doesn't sit well with me which tells me that taking this time away is probably exactly what I need to do.  

Are there others out there who feel or have felt this way?  Is this normal or am I being to neurotic for my own good? 

My day of birth

Today is my birthday.  I woke up this morning with a tiny little knot of excitement in my stomach, because sometimes those lingerings from childhood just don't go away.  Even though my day was going to be spent at work rather than out in my backyard having a pool party and opening presents, I still felt those tiny little butterflies fluttering because today marked the day I was born, and no matter how old we get I think there's always going to be something exciting about that.

Today I am 28.  That's quite a number.  I remember being in high school and thinking that turning 21 would probably never happen, and now I have exceeded that milestone by seven years.  For some reason I used to be under the impression that everything I was ever going to do in my life, whether it be writing, traveling, moving to a new city, having kids, that all these things should be done and needed to happen in my 20's.  I had a mental roadblock for age 30 and beyond, like once I hit that age I was just going to evaporate into thin air because obviously life is over once you are no longer have the number "2" in front of your age. 

Now that I'm only two short years away from 30, I'm amending that way of thinking.

Even though I haven't done a lot of the things I still would like to do with my life, I have definitely been keeping myself busy on becoming the person I want to be.  I've gone through some pretty drastic character changes since college, and with each year that passes I feel like I'm making progress on being the person I know I can and want to be, on doing the things I know I can and want to do, and making time for the people in my life who matter and who I truly want to be with.  

As I get older I find that I'm less inclined to play those games where I hide or pretend away certain things about myself because they might not be popular or accepted by others.  Frankly, that whole scene is a bit tiring, and at this point in my life I figure people can either take me or leave me.  I've also come around to accepting the idea that I'm not always going to be able to please everyone, or make everyone happy.  My job has helped me to realize this in more ways than one, but the sentiment also applies to my personal life as well.  I like making people happy, I like being able to lend a helping hand, but sometimes no matter what you do there's going to be someone left with a frown on their face.  It's a hard thing for us bleeding hearts out there to accept, but once you do it really helps to ease your stress level.  

To tie back in with my "must do everything before I turn 30" hysterics, I'm not sure what put that idea in my head or why I was ever under the impression that every good and wonderful thing in my life had to happen right here, right now, and all at once.  I guess it's just my multi-tasking personality in yet another outlandish form.  I am no longer in a rush to check things off my every-expanding bucket list, and in fact I would rather have some space between all the good stuff that I know has yet to happen in order to appreciate it more.  That's the way it works, right? 

These days I am starting to feel more like an adult.  Not necessarily a grown-up, but I'm definitely out of that "fresh out of college, still kind feel and act like a student phase," and am moving on to a more mature, slightly adult version of myself.  I'm very happy.  Sometimes I forget that important tidbit as I waste time dwelling on my shortcomings, or on the things I want in my life that aren't there at the moment.  But I am oh so very happy, and it feels good to sit back and embrace that happiness.  The only thing that could possibly make me happier is if my grandparents were still alive, I still miss them all so much.  Of course on the flip side, I have one kick ass team of guardian angels looking out for me, and there's a little piece of comfort to be taken from that viewpoint.

     

All in all I'm ready to embrace 28.  I'm ready to continue on the road to 30.....40....50.....and beyond, and I'm excited to keep checking things off that bucket list.  I'm looking forward to the day when my answer to the question, "What do you do for a living?" is, "I'm a writer," and I'm looking forward to one day living in the country again.  I'm looking forward to many more trips with my family, many, many more wonderful years with my husband, and dog walks with my beagles for many years to come.  

I'm ready, 28!  Let's get started.  

On summer

Remember being a kid, and how incredibly long the summers used to feel?  Time seemed utterly endless, and the distance between the last and first days of school seemed an eternity. 

Flash forward to present day and summer is here and gone in the blink of an eye.  Summer vacation is not two and half months with nothing to do and nowhere to be, but instead trying to squeeze in extended weekend trips between work and other obligations.  

Not that I'm necessarily complaining.  I'm lucky in that my job slows down enough during the summer months that I actually can take a good amount of time off, plus with working a 4/10 schedule this year having that extra day every weekend has been oh so very nice.  When fall rolls around, it's going to be really, really hard to give that up.  I'm sure all of you out there feel sorry for me.....right?

This past weekend I got to experience a tiny glimpse of the long ago childhood summer vacations.  It was one of those fantastic weekends where I didn't have any set plans, wasn't rushed for time, so I was able to really just "be" and experience the awesomeness of.....nothing. 

I was home, down on the farm, soaking up the heat and some pretty amazing summer thunder storms.  I ran in the mornings, walked the dogs with my mom, lounged by the pool, swam during the afternoon to beat the 90+ degree heat, and made significant progress in not just one but two books.  In the evenings I sat on the porch and took in the delicious smells of ripe raspberries and almost ready to harvest wheat fields.  Folks, I was in heaven. 

I love summertime on the farm, and I love being home and not having to "do" anything.  Not that I didn't do stuff.....I kept myself plenty busy, but there's something about a wide open schedule on your days off that is just so inspiring.  But this weekend in particular really made me flash back to those childhood summer breaks where I spent my days riding bikes, swimming, picking raspberries, heading up the road to visit Uncle Bob and Aunt Marian, and reading and writing up in my room (at least until the afternoon heat made being upstairs totally unbearable).  I loved those summers, and I suppose I'm feeling a bit nostalgic because getting to be home and relax in this way brought back a lot of really fond memories. 

Summer is often here and gone before we feel like we really have a chance to enjoy it, at least that's how it sometimes seems for me.  But I feel like I really got a good summer weekend in this year, and I hope that before the heat dissipates and the craziness of the fall season ensues, I'll be able to enjoy one or two more.      

The vacation countdown

I'm only at work for two days this week, but I can already tell they are going to be the longest days to get through.  The anticipation build-up to our impending camping trip has got me so excited it's all I can do to focus long enough to get through this blog post.  Not to mention that prior to said camping trip, there will be the annual 4th of July celebrations at my parent's house, including lots of sun, food and poolside drinks.  In a nutshell, one of the best weeks of summer ever.

But before the best week can start, I must get through two days of work.  I know, it sounds tough, but believe me, my ability to zero in and focus is at an all-time low right now.  I'm watching the clock, fidgeting, and thinking about a million other things aside what is on my to-do list. 

The countdown to vacations and the days leading up to departure are a whirlwind of activity, and I usually spend these days somewhat distracted, slightly anxious, and excited to cut to the chase and get the good times rolling.  But of course, once the good times get going it means they will soon be over, which is definitely a bittersweet pill to swallow.

It's hard not to wish for time to speed up when we are excited and looking forward to something, but it's also good to remember that time already moves along pretty fast, most of the time too fast, and we should do what we can to enjoy the euphoric state we enjoy prior to these trips, to cash in on our positive feelings and sunny disposition and use them to our advantage, to motivate us in other areas of our life.

It's one of those things that's easier said than done, but if I am able to use some of my time before vacation to get ahead or caught up with various items, I know it will make my return from vacation a much happier one.  Now I just have to work on the focusing part......