Find your outlets

I rediscovered an old love this week.  My clarinet.  The instrument I learned how to play in 5th grade has returned to me, and I couldn't be happier.  I assembled the pieces, tightened the reed, and reached into the recesses of my memory to try and remember the fingerings for the notes.  I started in on the warm up scales, slowly at first then with greater assurance.  After about five minutes I was swimming with excitement.  I had forgotten how much I enjoyed playing music. 

How is it possible to forget about things you enjoy?  Wouldn't the mere enjoyment of something pretty much guarantee that you keep engaging in the activity?

I don't think that we necessarily forget about the things we love as much as we get distracted, or simply lose access.  Physical distance, time constraints, lack of resources, all of these can be pin pointed as reasons why we can't always spend time doing the things we enjoy. 

For me, finding the clarinet again means I now have another creative outlet to turn to at the end of the day.  Okay, maybe there isn't too much creativity in playing straight sheet music, but it sure works wonders for me.  I thrive on the challenge of reading the music, hitting the notes, and hearing the song come together.  It's mentally stimulating and I can actually feel my energy level increase as I work my way through a piece of music.

What are the importance of these outlets in our everyday lives?  For me, they are extremely important.  Whether it's writing, running, playing with my dogs, or playing the clarinet, having a mentally/physically stimulating energy source helps keep me balanced in the course of everyday life.  On days where all I do is go to work, sit in front of the computer, then go home and sit in front of the TV, I feel unsettled and unfulfilled. 

Maybe for others this isn't the case, or maybe it's just that they haven't found their outlet.  It's different for everyone, with some discovering these outlets early in life, and others not until much later.  I think you can also pick up new outlets along the way, but the truly good ones will stick with you your entire life.  

I think we are all more creative than we give ourselves credit for.  For some reason we trick ourselves into thinking that we are cookie cutter human beings, with nothing extraordinary or unique about ourselves, and we end up losing touch with that part of ourselves that IS a bit different, unique, and creative.  This is synonymous with getting older and losing touch with the things we "used to do."  Maybe this isn't the case for everyone, but I'm willing to bet that most all of us have lost touch with certain things over time that we enjoyed doing

So find your outlets.  If you already have one find a new one.  Don't let yourself become lost in the doldrums of everyday life.  Creative outlets are the great escape.     

Thank you for being a friend

I have become fixated on the topic of friendship.  How we make friends, how we keep friends, how we lose friends, and everything in-between.  There are many different levels of friendships, and as we go through life we experience the different phases of making and keeping friends.  This, like everything else, changes with age and the circumstances of everyday life.  (And yes, the picture below of the Golden Girls is entirely appropriate for this post.  These ladies are perhaps one of the most glowing examples of true friendship I have ever seen.  Even though they're entirely fictional.) 

When you are an athlete (as I was all through high school and my first couple years of college), friendship comes fairly easy.  Being a part of a team makes it incredibly easy to create bonds with the girls your are competing with, practicing with, and talking with on a daily basis.  Sometimes it happens naturally, other times it takes work, but it usually happens nonetheless. 

When the athlete portion of my life came to an end I became just another college student going to class everyday.  At first I didn't give it much thought, but after a couple of months a startling realization dawned on me:  I didn't have any close friends at college.  I had aquaintances, people I would chat with in class before the professor showed up, study groups, and group projects, but all of my close friends were scattered throughout the state and not available to me on a day-to-day basis.  It was a strange predicament and one I was not used to being in.  Which got me to thinking....what does or does not enable a friendship to last?  How are we able to maintain friendships with certain people and not others?  And the inevitable: How do you go about building and maintaining these friendships?

If you ask me (and I know that you didn't, but I'm going to pretend like you did), relationships can sometimes be friendship killers.  Or should I say, new friendship killers.  When you are single the world is your oyster, in a sense.  You can do what you want, when you want, etc., etc.  When you are in a relationship you will usually commit the majority of your time to your partner and to activities the two of you can do together.  This doesn't make outside friendships impossible, but if you are building a new friendship with someone it's not always convenient to have your other half around.  It changes the atmosphere and whether you mean to do it or not, the majority of your attention is almost always more heavily concentrated on your partner.  If your new friend is sans boyfriend/girlfriend/etc. this isn't always an ideal situation.  And let's face it, no matter how good of friends you are with someone before you are in a relationship, once you make that commitment it is practically guaranteed that you will be spending the majority of your time with your partner than with your friends. 

Married people, I feel, will more often tend to develop friendships with other couples, rather than one-on-one relationships.  This isn't to say that people in a couple don't have friends they see without their spouses, but more often than not the group dynamic seems to be preferred.  If my husband and I aren't going out by ourselves, we will most always seek another couple to hang out with.  Not because we don't like each other's friends, but because it just somehow happened that most of the people we hang out with on a regular basis are also married or in a relationship.  Perhaps this isn't a coincidence.  

So if you're in a relationship, does that make the obstacle of developing new friendships harder to attain?  I'm not talking about the aquaintances we interact with on a day-to-day basis like our colleagues at work or the girl who makes your latte at Starbucks every morning, but the people (besides your spouse) that you choose to make a connection with outside of your professional world because you genuinely like them and want to spend time with them.

Time is a fleeting thing in today's world.  We dedicate at least 8 hours of our day to work, an hour to the gym, another hour to dinner, plus all the errands that seem to pop up in the course of everyday life.  For some, this doesn't leave a lot of time for socializing.  In the adult world, you literally have to make time to develop your friendships, they don't just happen on their own.  For some people the effort is too great.  For others, there just isn't enough time.  But the simple fact remains that friendship is a crucial factor in our lives.  Even if one is in a happy, healthy relationship, outside friendships are still crucial to one's well-being.  In fact I'm pretty sure someone did a study about that. 

Developing new friendships, and maintaining old ones takes work.  And that work only increases as we get older.  Life circumstances, professional circumstances, and the overall changes we experience as adults can all take a toll on our ability to keep and make friends.  Friendship at any age is not impossible.  Friendship when you are married is not impossible.  Like everything else in life it just takes work.    

Wishful Thinking

We just got new carpet installed in the downstairs of our house.  Last night after the installers left, we spent almost an hour walking around downstairs, sitting on the floor, and sinking our fingers into the lushness of brand new, thick carpet.  We talked about decorating ideas, and how much the new carpet really made a difference in sprucing up the rooms.  We were in utter bliss.

This morning I went downstairs and saw that my cat had peed on the new carpet.

Blissful feelings shattered.


Here's the thing.  We have been having issues with the cat wanting to pee on the carpet for about a month now (and yes, I'm taking her to the vet to rule out a UTI).  But the peeing problem is neither here nor there.  I had actually managed to convince myself that once the new carpet was in, once the old, nasty, no-good original carpet and pad were totally gone from the house, that things would return to normal and all would be be pretty and perfect because, well, why wouldn't they be? 

I have always been in the habit of convincing myself that the addition of something new, exciting, and positive in my life will somehow eliminate some of the negative.  I suppose in some cases this might be true, but at the same time I have a hard time reminding myself that just because something gets upgraded in my life (in my case, the carpet), it doesn't necessarily mean that everything will upgrade (as in my cat finally deciding to stop peeing on the carpet). 

It's very frustrating for me because I tend to base my thinkings with a lot of "if" "then" statements.  Using the same carpet scenario, I figured "If the old stinky carpet is gone, then the cat will use her litterbox all the time, not just part of the time."

False.

What is my point?  My point is that wishful thinking and/or wishful reasoning seldom ever works in the real world and in real situations.  What it usually does is trick us into believing something and allowing us to convince ourselves that everything will be better once a certain thing happens....which most of the time ends up being a complete falsity.

It's the same type of thing when you leave work on Friday afternoon.  All the problems and things you have to do magically disappear over the weekend, and you think to yourself how great everything is and how wonderful it is to have all this time on your hands.  It's almost as if the magical bliss of the weekend will erase all the to-do's of your working life. 

Then you go back on Monday.  There are still emails to respond to, phone calls to make, and deadlines to meet.  And yet somehow you can't help but remember how peaceful and great the weekend was and wonder how in the world things suddenly got so crazy.

I keep hoping that one of these days the addition of positive forces in my life will manage to cancel out everything negative.  I realize this is probably unproductive thinking, but it's hard to eliminate those hopeful desires completely.

I think this also ties in with our tendancies as humans (possibly even our laziness), to want for things to get done with little or no effort from ourselves.  We might not always admit this, but we all know it's true for everyone at some point.  I mean, how great is it to get something accomplished and crossed off the list without having to sacrifice any of our own time and energy to the project?

It's about the same as thinking if you avoid something long enough it will either go away or get resolved, when chances are it will only get worse.

What does all this mean?  Overall I suppose we (okay, "I") should come to grips with the fact that changing things in our lives, for better or for worse, usually requires some kind of action on our part.  Things will definitely not always magically appear or disappear just because we want them to, and the rule of a positive cancelling out a negative tends to be false reasoning.

Looks like my cat may be spending a lot more time outside.

Obligations of a relationship

It's a fact of life that sometimes we just have to do things we don't necessarily want to do.  Somewhere along these same lines is the notion that sometimes we feel forced to do things out of obligation.  This creates an interesting paradox in relationships, as I am starting to find out through the joys of married life.

When you're in a relationship, does any obligation on behalf of your spouse/partner/boyfriend/girlfriend automatically transfer over to you?

Right off the bat I am going to assume that for most women the answer is yes.  Women, I feel, are more inclined to want the couple aspect in most situations.  Let's face it ladies, we don't even like to go to the bathroom by ourselves.  

As a woman, I know that I am usually in the mindset that if I feel the need/obligation to attend a certain social function, I automatically expect my husband to attend with me.  In my mind that's just the way it goes.  That being said, I also expect this formula to work if the situation is reversed.  If my husband felt he had to attend something, I would go with him without putting up too much of a fight.

Is this way of thinking correct?  Is there a correct way to think about this?

I feel that being part of a couple is being able to balance the give and take.  You give something now, you get something back later.  I learned this as a little kid and while it has not always been an adage I particularly appreciate, it does make sense.  This is also just a part of growing up.  You don't always get what you want when you want it.  Instant gratification is a fleeting aspect of childhood that some people are reluctant to give up. 

I think another important aspect of this pondering is realizing what is important to your partner.  Anyone in a serious relationship should be familiar with the notion that sometimes you need to do things that make your partner happy.  Whether it's folding the laundry, going to a movie, or attending a work function, you do these things not because you want to, but because it will please someone else.  This in turn is supposed to bring happiness to you....kind of a cause and effect thing. 

I'm not saying that we should be slaves to our spouses and do every single little thing they ask of us.  I also don't think we should have to give up the independent aspects of our lives simply because we are in a relationship.  But I do think, at times, we need to accept the obligations of our relationships.  Which means that one will get dragged to the weddings of their spouses friends, to class reunions, and to sometimes ackward family functions with the other person's relatives.  When you commit yourself to another person, you commit yourselves to these things, too. 

There is a relationship learning curve when it comes to things like this, and even with continued practice it isn't always an easy concept to grasp.  I think the key is to keep practicing, to keep giving and taking, and to keep striving for mutual happiness. 

Just make sure you're not practicing by yourself. 

 

      

Home

It's been a week, and I am slowly transitioning from vacation mode back to the grind of everyday regular person life.  Dean and I spent a glorious week in New Orleans (well, actually the majority of it was in Mandeville, which is across the lake from the city, but hey, close enough).  We dined on seafood, lay by the pool for hours each day as the heat and humidity hung in the high 80's, took a swamp tour and watched our guide feed hot dogs to the alligators that swam up to our boat, and enjoyed spending time with Dean's family.  I never worried about what time it was because I had no appointments to keep, and I never worried about what day it was because my schedule was wide open.  I answered zero emails, finally managed to stay up past midnight, finally managed to sleep in past 7 a.m., and ditched working out and counting calories.  I have to say I felt much less neurotic, and yet somewhat out of sorts because I am so used to having a million things to do in any given day.

It's amazing how quickly you can get used to being in a new place, and how the longer you're there the more foreign and far-away home can really feel.  This concept of "home" can be forever changing in a person's life, as one moves from place to place, experiences new situations and makes brand new connections.  But for some of us, home really doesn't change. 

As Dean and I were driving back to Pullman, I took in the sight of the sun shining down on the endless acres of wheat fields, old barns with the Cougar logo prominently displayed on their fronts, and cows, sheep and horses roaming in pastures and pens.  

Sometimes the feeling of returning to a place can be even more sweet than the anticipation of leaving. 

That is the feeling of coming home.