I have knots in my stomach. Literal knots. Loosening, tightening, slightly loosening, and really tightening. I can feel them in there like tiny tumors. Oh god, I hope I don't have a tumor....
I'm feeling a tad anxious, which is not uncommon because I get anxious and nervous about a lot of things. It's just my nature, unfortunately. In a way I've kind of learned to deal with it but that doesn't mean I have to like it. Why the anxiety, you may ask? Mainly it's because I'm traveling to Houston on Sunday with a colleague to attend a work conference, which in itself doesn't sound like a big deal but does in fact add to my nervous state of mind.
For starters, traveling makes me anxious. More specifically traveling on airplanes make me anxious. It's not that I'm one of those people who fears every single plane I ride on is going to crash, it's just the whole airport scene and all the "Please take off your shoes, belt, jacket, oh, and we're going to have to screen all your internal organs before we will even think about letting you on this flight" nonsense that accompanies all air travel nowadays. I think the lack of control I feel with flying is one of the things that just drives me crazy. Because if your flight is delayed or canceled you kind of don't have any options. Except to wait. And wait. And wait. You are at the mercy of the weather, the plane, the airline, basically a ton of outside factors that you can do nothing about. I'm just not flexible enough to deal with that kind of uncertainty. On the bright side, I'm not traveling alone which is a huge plus for me because even though I can and do enjoy being a solitary person at times, going places on airplanes is not something I enjoy doing solo. Plus, being in a new city with a familiar and favorite co-worker will help to loosen the knots a bit. But airplanes aren't the only thing freaking me out right now.
To somewhat tie into the above paragraph, I'm feeling a tad anxious about upcoming events at work. I'm feeling pressure on some things and while it's not to the point where I'm going to start ripping my hair out, I feel short of breath at times and am finding the environment somewhat stifling. I realize that all jobs come with stress in some way shape or form, and to go even further living a life completely free of stress is almost impossible. How one deals with stress is paramount and can essentially be the deciding factor in whether we succeed or fail at a lot of things in our lives. I know this, and I try to cope with my stresses and anxieties accordingly. But sometimes.....sometimes I just get tired of coping, of feigning calmness, of not freaking out. Sometime I just want to cry it all out and bitch and moan. In other words, I just want to throw a good ol' fashioned tantrum.
On the personal side of things, feeling good about everything for the most part but am slightly terrified that I recently put myself out there and have kind of been asked to do so again because a final decision has yet to be made. I know that probably doesn't make much sense because I didn't go into much detail on this subject, but essentially this new development is like drawing out the suspension which leads me to have second thoughts which means I am slightly in danger of crawling back in my shell and not taking a chance on myself. Of course I know that happens it will have a horrible side effect in that I will end up feeling guilty and bad about myself, which probably would be worse than the anxiety I am feeling now.
I need some confidence and I need it pronto. I need a way to relieve myself without resorting to mass amounts of alcohol. I just feel a bit detached from myself right now and I need to figure out how to reel myself back in.
I really need these knots in my stomach to go away.
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