Do we really change?

The beginning stages of a relationship are always so exciting.  You're learning new things about a person, you're growing closer, and (in some cases) developing very strong feelings for this person you're spending so much time with. 


After almost a year of marriage and over six years of dating before that, I feel like I have my spouse figured out.  I know the traits I love and admire, as well as the habits that will forever drive me bonkers. 


When we first started dating I loved absolutely everything about my husband.  Everything about him was perfect and alway would be.  Typical attitude of a person falling fast in love.  As reality slowly set in I came to grips with the realization that there were some traits I wasn't particularly crazy about, but over time I figured these things could be worked on and modified. 


They could be changed.


Ah, such an idealistic viewpoint.  To change aspects about the one we love.  Things that in and of themselves aren't relationship dealbreakers but would be oh-so-nice not to put up with.  You know what happens when you try to up and change things about another person?  Or tell them that they should be doing things your way because it's the right way? 


You fight.  And usually not very nicely.  Guess who ends up winning these fights?


No one.


Change is something that some people crave, and others shy away from.  There are also varying degrees of change and each of us are only comfortable with the concept to a certain degree.  There are people out there who could up and quit their jobs, move to a foreign country, start a new life, and never miss a beat.  Then there are some people who break into a nervous sweat at the thought of trying a new brand of coffee creamer. 


But the changing of an individual, of a human being, is in my opinion a rare occurance.  And no matter how many times we hear the sage advice of not trying to change others but simply accept them with all their faults, we can't help but think there's still a small chance that we can alter them in some way.  


Is it simply human nature to try and change ourselves and others?  We have all at some point in time made New Year's resolutions, gone on diets, and tried new hairstyles.  These are all attempts at change.  And don't we usually assume that changing one tiny thing about ourselves will cause others to change as well?  It's only natural to strive for change every now and then, but how long does it take before we revert back to our old ways?  

Ultimately what I'm curious about are the expectations we so foolishly hold about the person we love somehow changing over time.  Why do we expect people to conform to our expectations, after a certain amount of time?  Is there something about being with a person for a certain amount of time that leads us to believe somewhere down the road they will undergo a sort of metamorphosis? 

A lot of questions.  Not a lot of answers.  What I have learned after almost eight years of being with the same person is that these traits and characteristics that we often wish would change, will not.  As part of keeping balance you learn how to coexist, maybe even appreciate these traits, and stop thinking of how to change them. 

Taking out the trash, making the bed, hanging up one's clothes, these are all things it's okay to nag about every now and then.  But we should not try, nor should we want, to try and change our partner.  Human relationships are the best arena to learn the art of acceptance and adaptation.  

Go forth and learn.