On putting yourself out there

Today I took a step.  A small step toward something I want to do, toward something that makes me happy.  I've opened myself up to rejection, to criticism, and to possible praise.  I have taken the initiative towards bettering myself as a writer.  I don't want to go into too many specifics because, well, I don't know anything yet and won't for a few more weeks.  But I saw a chance and I took it, hoping for nothing but the best. 

Honestly?  I feel a bit queasy.

I'm not good at putting myself out there.  Myself or my writing.  I don't share my stories with many people unless it is required of me, and when I think of people, of strangers, pouring over my words and my thoughts I feel a tad exposed.  

And yet I have this blog, where I do in face share parts of myself, of my thoughts, with who knows how many people on a weekly basis.  I guess I have always felt like on this blog I exist in the slightest form of anonymity.  I also tell myself that no one reads my blog, which adds a level of security to hitting the "Publish Post" button at the end of each entry.  And maybe it's true.  Maybe nobody reads these words except me.  

But then again, maybe people do.  Maybe my words are already reaching more people than I assume they are. 

Most of this is really a confidence issue.  I am my own worst critic and while sometimes I think something I write is good, when I think about someone else reading it or lots of someone else s reading it I immediately decide it isn't good enough. 

It's also a fear issue.  Writing is my "big dream."  It's what I aspire to do.  What happens if I'm not good enough?  If I try and try only to get the door slammed in my face time and time again?

I understand that I'll never get anywhere with this if I don't take chances and don't open myself up for failure.  But it is oh so very scary.  On a small level, on a big level, it is frighting.  I have always had trouble breaking out of my comfort zone, so I know this will take some getting used to.  I know I'm going to have to keep letting people in, letting my words get out, and hoping that they won't fall on deaf ears. 

I know that writing is a very conditional medium, and what is good to one person may be not so good for another.  So if I want to write I am going to have to get used to the idea that there will be pitfalls, bad reviews, and maybe downright rude responses.  And if I let that bother me then who am I really writing for?

Hopefully I will have some good news to share on here soon.  And if not, I will have disappointing news to share.  Either way I have taken a step.  And here's hoping I can continue to take a few more.

On being quiet

I get told all the time how quiet I am.  By friends, family, colleagues, and it's been this way my entire life.  At 27 I definitely feel that I am more vocal than I was at say, 13, but generally speaking I truly am a quiet girl. 

I get annoyed at times by this generalization.  How is one supposed to respond to this accusation?  Because that is what I usually take it as....an accusation.  There is no question in the statement "You sure are quiet", and yet I always feel my accuser is looking for some kind of response, some kind of explanation, and to be honest I usually find this annoying.  As a kid I would usually just shrug my shoulders, blush, and maybe mutter some kind of rebuttal.  As an adult, I smile, nod, and usually say, "Yes I am."

Am I too sensitive about this?  It doesn't bother me that I am a quiet person but is it a problem to the people around me?  I guess I'm just not sure if I should be insulted by this typecasting or take it as just a spoken out loud observation of one of my character traits.  

This quietness has been a trait of mine since I was a kid.  Sure, I could be loud and outspoken with the right group of people, but for the most part I liked to observe, to keep to myself, or to only indulge ideas and confidences with individuals one-on-one.  I had no qualms about speaking in class but it wasn't something I felt compelled to do all the time.  I also had no fear of asking questions, but again I preferred the one-on-one setting as opposed to a large group.  

I have to wonder if my quiet nature is somehow tied in with reading and writing, two things I obviously love to do but that are both very solitary acts.  Very quiet acts.  I have always felt most confident about speaking and expressing my opinions after I have had time to think them through completely and internalize my thoughts.  I am a person who needs that time to process, to analyze, before making a definite conclusion.  And again I ask, is this a bad thing?  

Sometimes I think people assume that because of my quiet nature I must not have any thoughts, opinions, or ideas.  Maybe they assume that by calling me out on my quietness it will prompt me to open up the floodgates and release a torrent of words that otherwise would have been hidden for all eternity.  But when someone says to me "You're so quiet" it truly has the opposite effect.  In fact, it usually adds a degree of pressure to future interactions, and I feel as if I have to say something, anything, just to try and prove them wrong.  But does saying anything take the place of saying something substantial?  Is an obvious and lacking statement better than saying nothing at all?  I for one don't think so.  

I know I'm not the only one out there who has been given the quiet girl label.  And while I realize that some situations more or less require me to break out of my quiet shell, it doesn't mean that I have to be that way all the time.  I consider myself a thoughtful person, but not all of those internal thoughts need to be shared and spoken aloud.  I derive great pleasure from solitary activities such as my reading and writing, and both of these activities for me are at their most wonderful when they can be done in a calm, quiet environment. 

Calm.  Quiet.  Maybe in this case beauty is in the eye of the beholder.     

They're back......

In case you hadn't heard, Jersey Shore is back for its fifth roller coaster season.  That's right, those guidos and guidettes you love to hate are back in the U.S. and still up to no good in Seaside Heights. 

I love me some good bad TV, and Jersey Shore is just one of those things that once you start, you just can't stop, even if you want to.  At this point the show is cruising along like a speeding train that doesn't realize the tracks are out up ahead.  Which means before too long the whole thing is just going to crash, and it's not going to be pretty. 

Not that things have been very good looking up to this point. 

For awhile all the clubbing, roommate drama, hook ups, and crazy pranks were kind of funny.  But after a few seasons of Ron and Sam screaming at each other, Snooki's drinking getting crazy out of control, and Mike continuing to act like the worlds biggest trash bag ever, it's all starting to get a bit old....and a bit sad.

Some of these case members are pushing 30 years old, which to my 27 year old mind translates to "maybe you're too old to be acting like you're on your 21 run every single time you go out partying."  Or, maybe I'm just a buzz-kill.

I have a theory that people (and by people I mean me) watch shows like Jersey Shore to make themselves feel better about their own lives.  Especially when the show passes that "fun" point and simply becomes a viewing area of total self destruction.  It sounds sick but I think there's some kind of reaffirming quality to watching shows where, to our perception, the people appear to be completely dysfunctional.  Ugh, yes, that does sound completely awful.      

Jersey Shore is just one more prime example of popular culture making celebrities (rich ones, no less) out of people who have not an ounce of talent and who have become famous for pretty much no reason at all.  But it's kind of a fascinating phenomenon, isn't it?  Within the span of a couple years phrases like GTL, grenade whistle, and t-shirt time have become commonplace and easily recognized by people everywhere.  Which means that this "reality" show has literally taken on a life of its own.  I suppose if I really want to complain about people like the Jersey Shore cast being famous I have no one to blame but myself, because like millions of other Americans I tuned in last night to see the beginning of what I pray will be the last season of this show. 

But as I mentioned above we all need a little bad TV in our lives.  And it looks like for the foreseeable future Jersey Shore will continue to be mine. 

On a new year

I know I'm a few days late, but welcome to 2012!  The start of a new year always makes me a bit giddy.  I get excited about hanging up a new calendar, seeing all the days yet to come, all the opportunity that lies ahead.  There's no reason not to feel this way at any other time during the year, but starting at the beginning of something just makes it all feel a bit more real. 

I haven't really made New Year's resolutions for a few years now.  Not because there isn't anything I aspire to change about myself, but because every year and during all the months throughout the year I am always trying to improve upon myself in some way.  But the start of a new year is also a good time to remind myself of those ongoing resolutions.....all those ideals I strive to incorporate.

Overall I am still trying to be a more forgiving person.  To be a more honest person.  And to be a less judgmental person.  I strive everyday to be the type of person that sees the good and the beauty in others, and to also identify those qualities in myself.  Sometimes I get too caught up in the little details that don't matter, and I lose sight of the big picture.  I hope in the year to come I can keep focus on the big picture and not worry about the little things that aren't going to matter a year or even a month from now.   

If I can accomplish all these things I'll be practically perfect, huh? 

It's kind of a running joke that most people abandon their New Year's resolutions by the end of January, some people even sooner than that.  This mostly applies to resolutions involving exercise, but I'm sure there are others that fall into that realm as well.  It's so easy, so refreshing to start the year off with a new outlook and a new routine.  Maybe that's part of the shine that January 1st evokes.  But it doesn't take long for that shine to wear off, does it?  It's a hard, hard thing to dedicate yourself to something for 365 straight days.

When our goals, our resolutions, are new it's exciting and challenging to think about tackling these new endeavors we set for ourselves.  But when certain things don't come to us as easy as we think they should, or when too much time goes by and we still aren't as far along as we want to be, sometimes we choose to take the easy way out and just....give up.  Then as more time goes by and another new year approaches we see another chance.  Another opportunity to try again. 

I'm not trying to be a downer.  I'm not trying to say that resolutions made at the beginning of a new year are a waste of time, or that they can't be accomplished.  I guess I'm just hoping that by addressing the new year's resolution phenomenon I myself can somehow avoid it. 

Ultimately it's up to us.  Whether or not we make our resolutions stick.  Sometimes I think that's where the letdown comes.  We say these things, these things about ourselves we want to change or improve, but then we don't take the actions, or enough actions, to make them happen.  

Determination.  Dedication.  Maybe I'll try to work on these qualities as well.

On exercise

There’s a great opening monologue in an episode of Seinfeld where Jerry is talking about working out and getting in shape.  Essentially, he surmises that everyone is working out and getting in shape simply to get through their workouts.  Aside from exercising itself, we really don’t have anything to get in shape for, so we’re sweating away at the gym simply to prepare for tomorrow’s workout.

The whole thing makes me laugh because, well, it’s true.  Once you graduate from the high school and/or college sports arena you really don’t have a whole lot of reasons to stay in shape.  Aside from all the health benefits associated with regular exercise, of course. 

I just find it somewhat ironic that if I unintentionally miss a day of exercise I fret and worry and generally feel bad.  And yet, I’m not training for a marathon, I’m not involved in any organized sports, and I don’t have to rely on my legs to get me to work each morning, so missing one day of working out probably isn’t the worst thing that could happen in my world. 

Part of it is psychological.  When I exercise I feel better, so by the simple law of mathematics the more I work out the better I feel.  But I also like to just “stay in shape.”  In shape for what, though?  For cruising the aisles at the grocery store?  For walking up and down the stairs at work?  What am I getting in shape for?  In reality it’s nothing.  I’m getting in shape simply for the sake of getting in shape, and while that is a great thing sometimes when I stop and think about it I just can’t help but laugh. 

I’m really not sure where I’m going with this one.  And maybe that’s okay.  Sometimes it’s good to linger on the path of rambling thought just to see where you might end up. 

I suppose on some level the whole exercise deal has been ingrained in me since I was little.  I played sports for god knows how many years and was essentially always “in season.”  Working out is just a part of my life.  And while it isn’t always something I enjoy doing or look forward to, I still feel better about myself when I step off the treadmill and start to catch my breath. 

It feels like an accomplishment.  And that is so important.  Because that means even on my worst day, when nothing is going right, I know that I can throw on my gym clothes, fire up the treadmill, and see just how far I can go.  Each day I can always go a little farther than the one before, and sometimes that’s all it takes to brighten up a dark day.

So maybe it’s not for nothing after all.

The spirit of the season

We are halfway through the month of December, and a mere 11 days away from what has (sadly) become the most commercialized holiday of all.....Christmas.  I for one have been relishing in the carols, the lights, the decorations, and the overall festive nature of the season.  I find it's almost hard to be in a bad mood with the sights, sounds, and smells of Christmas everywhere I go.  For instance, every night when I turn the corner onto my street it makes me smile to see our house aglow with lights, and baking cookies also is so much more enjoyable with Dean Martin crooning "White Christmas" in the background.  And what is it about that tree in the living room that makes me feel so peaceful?  

Yes, most of us out there are in full Christmas mode, which I imagine means different things to different people.  And while this time of year is wonderful for so many things, it also brings up a lot of things which can be not so wonderful as well. 

Since before Thanksgiving we have been bombarded by advertisements from all sorts of different media encouraging us to get out there and spend, spend, spend.  To make us feel better about all the spending, these advertisements don't neglect to remind us that we will also be saving, saving, saving.  Blowout sales, Black Friday, one-day-only sales, every day I get something in the mail related to shopping.  And I have done my fair share of shopping this month, in fact I still have more to do.  Because Christmas is after all the season of giving.  The problem for a lot of us is that we don't know when to stop giving, or we worry that if we don't give enough we will be looked down upon in some way.  Gifts for family, friends, coworkers, students, the list goes on and on and bill keeps getting higher and higher.  I'm not trying to discourage buying gifts for the people we care about, but this time of year it seems we are under so much pressure to give something to every person we have ever known in our entire lives.  To give or not to give becomes the ultimate question of the month. 

Then there's the guilt factor.  And not just the guilt that comes with forgetting to buy a gift for someone, but the guilt we feel about not being able to donate to all the much needed and much appreciated charities.  I know they say that every little bit helps, but after you have given a little bit to every toy drive, canned food drive, and donation box, that little bit has turned into a lot.  I for one am happy to give to these wonderful missions, in fact I wish I was better at doing it year-round, but sometimes it's just too much.  This is where the guilt kicks in.  Not enough that I lose sleep over it, but enough to drain me a little bit each time I leave a store without dropping something in the charity box. 

Believe me, I'm not trying to be down on Christmas.  There are so many wonderful things associated with this holiday and so many great traditions to share with family and loved ones.  I guess sometimes I get discouraged because, like so many people before me have stated, the true nature of the season gets lost and before we know it Christmas is over and we're not even really sure why we were celebrating in the first place.  Many times during this month I feel a bit like Charlie Brown, wondering if someone can please remind me what Christmas is all about.

So yes.  There are a lot of outside stresses that come along with Christmas.  Every year we strive to create that perfect holiday experience for ourselves and our families, to give the perfect gifts to those that we know and love, to create an arsenal of perfect memories.  But beyond perfection, I hope we all take some time for inward reflection.  Some time to remember the reason for the holiday.  No matter our differing religious views, we all understand the importance and the purpose of love in our lives.  Love for our friends, our families, and for those who might be less fortunate than us. 

If nothing else, take the time to appreciate the love.  It will last a lot longer than some of those presents sitting under the tree.

Feeling "on top of it"

I'm back again, boys and girls.  Tell me you missed me.  Tell me you couldn't live another day without an enlightening, stimulating, inspirational post from the endless bounty that is my mind.  Just tell me you are reading my words.....so I don't feel like I am wasting my time sending these sentences into the oblivion that is the world wide web. 

I was away for about 10 days, and did not return home until this past Sunday.  The hubby and I dropped the dogs off at the kennel (I was so very sad to leave them), drove to Seattle, and hopped a plane to the state of New Mexico where we spent many happy days with Dean's family.  The trip for me was a real treat because in all the years Dean and I have been together (nine years, to be exact), I have never really gotten to spend much time with his extended family.  Most of them I had met exactly two times before this trip.  Others I had only met at our wedding, and other still I was meeting for the first time.  So I saw this trip, as Paul Harvey would have said, as an opportunity for me to learn, "the rest of the story."

And you know what?  It was a blast. 

I feel so incredibly blessed because while I love my own family with all their little quirks and eccentricities, I also have a super terrific in-law family that I now feel I can say I really belong to.  I now fully feel that I am related to all these great people, and more than once throughout the busy week I felt that warm, fuzzy, happy all over feeling that I get during those particular memorable family moments.  I truly am a lucky girl. 

So.  Great trip, followed by a return trip to Seattle where Dean and I manned the gates at the pregame function before Apple Cup.  Was it difficult getting into work mode after a long trip?  You betcha.  Did everything go off without a hitch?  More or less.  At the end of the day we got to spend time with our best friends so it really wasn't all that bad. 

Now we get to the heart of the post.  We return home Sunday evening and immediately start unpacking, doing laundry, and decorating the house for Christmas.  Because really, I couldn't wait much longer to pull out the garland and the snowmen....not to mention all my adorable Peanuts decorations.  Flash forward to Thursday, which of course is today, and my house looks like a tornado has ripped right through.  I can't see the floor of our den due to all the dirty clothes piles that are still there, not to mention the overcrowded coffee table that is holding fall decorations that need to be put away, or the kitchen, living room, hell, all the floors in the house that are dirty, covered with dog hair, and in need of some serious TLC.  Friends, in my world this is what I call UTTER CHAOS! 

You know that feeling you get when coming home from vacation?  Like you are waking up from a dream and you feel like the world and everything about "real life" has been put on hold, only to find out that isn't the case and the world has basically continued spinning without you?  Yea.....that's been like my entire week.  I feel slightly frazzled, extremely tired, and every time I look around at all the piles in every room of my house I want to just run away.  I know I'm a huge drama queen, and honestly I am handling the disarray much better than I thought I would.  I can be so anal about things, I'm honestly surprised I didn't spend all of Sunday and Monday deep cleaning and organizing until the house shone like new again.  Instead I have been living in squalor all week, and haven't complained about it once!  Okay, maybe I have once....but not for very long.  

I think what is keeping me balanced is the fact that I know once Saturday morning rolls around I will be in house cleaning mode, and by late that afternoon order will once again be restored and I can breathe easy again.  Every time I go on a trip I am always amazed at the time it takes for me to once again feel on top of things, both mentally and physically.  Going on vacation is hard work, kids.  I seriously needed this entire week off just to recoup and get my bearings!  

I am just one of those people who needs order in their life.  In the evenings when I get home from work I know it would be very easy just to fling my clothes on the bed and not give them a second thought, but if I did that I would actually give them a second, third, and maybe even fourth thought.  I know that if I don't put those clothes away in my closet it will just.....bother me.  Same with making the bed in the morning.  Even if I'm running a few minutes late, I still talk myself into making the bed because it just looks so neat and put together.  And coming home at night and seeing that made bed just makes me feel a little more calm.  I could go on and on but I think you get the picture.  And you're probably shaking your head thinking I should be seeing a shrink to deal with my OCD.  Don't worry, I've thought that myself a time or two. 

So while I am proud of myself for my flexibility in dealing with a dirty, unorganized house all week (I haven't made the bed once), I don't think it's a habit I will be adopting on a permanent basis.  Order and cleanliness are two things that make me extremely happy, so until that changes I'm just going to keep on keeping on.  

Happy December everyone!  Are you counting down to Christmas yet??