Unstructured time

During the week I have a more or less set schedule.  Because nothing ever runs according to plan there are always slight variances here and there, but for the most part I stick to the same routine.  I wake up.  I feed my dogs.  I make my husband a lunch.  I work out.  I get ready for work.  I go to work.  Around 12:30 or 1 p.m. I go home for lunch, or try and squeeze in my weekly trip to the grocery store.  I go back to work.  I go home around 5.  I work outside if the weather is nice, walk the dogs, then eventually start making dinner.  I eat dinner.  I read the paper, a book, a magazine.....I read something.  I clean up the kitchen, the living room, whatever is messy and is going to bug me the most if I don't clean it before bed.  I watch TV and snuggle with my dogs on the couch.  I start falling asleep on the couch, and decide it's time for bed.  Looking at it all written out doesn't look that exciting, but on the whole it manages to keep me (at least slightly) entertained. 

I have a feeling that my schedule, like most other people's schedules, is very structured during the week.  Because a lot of us have to spend eight hours of our weekdays at work, we more or less have to set some kind of timeline for our off the clock hours to try and fit in everything it is we want to do.  A common mantra for me during the week is always, "I wish I had all day to do what I want to do."

Which, I suppose, is why we have the weekends.  That beacon of hope at the end of the work week that promises us wonderful, glorious things, then is here and gone always way too soon.  I sometimes run into trouble with the weekends, which I realize sounds like a very odd thing to say, but the truth is sometimes I have a hard time deciding what it is I should......do.  It's two days that belong completely to me, time that can be used at my own discretion, and sometimes I have a really hard time figuring out how to spend it.  It can be hard for me to move forward and function without a plan.  I like itineraries and step by step instructions, so two days of unstructured time can mess with my mind a little bit. 

I've always tried to convince myself that unstructured time is great.  I can do whatever I want to do simply because I don't have to do anything else.  This is true to an extent, except when I can't decide on how to spend the time and end up wasting it instead.  Unless of course I make the conscious decision to waste time, in which case that's totally acceptable.  I guess that's just my personality and maybe there's no way around that fact.  Maybe I will always just need some type of plan, some sort of action list in order to enjoy my time away from work.  I feel I'm in an interesting situation where I crave the freedom of the weekend, but the structure of my week. 

Is it some kind of oxymoron to crave freedom and structure, or is it possible for the two to coexist?  I'm sure to some degree there has to be an overlap, and perhaps that's where I need to be in order to fully take advantage of time, and not feel like it's disappearing before my very eyes.     

Throw in the towel?

It's been over a month since I last posted, and to be perfectly honest I have thought about this blog maybe three or four times in that entire time span.  I guess it's crossed my mind on several occasions to just throw in the towel and say goodbye to the entire blogging scene, but I also hate the idea of just quitting or giving up on something, even though I'm not exactly sure what I'm trying to get out of writing this blog.

So here I sit.  In the middle of another work week, quickly running out of steam, and I just get the feeling that I would like to write....something.  I have written absolutely nothing the past month.  I've barely had time to do laundry the past month.  Each week has been a flurry of activity, lots of late nights, and more than one instance of waking up in the morning with knots in my stomach just thinking about all the things I have to get done.  Through my blurry, sleep deprived eyes, I keep seeing the word "vacation" floating in front of me, taunting me with visions of sleeping in, staying up late, drinking in the early afternoon, and not responding to emails. 

But I digress, as usual.  Yes, things have been busy which naturally hampered my desire to try and keep up with the blogging, but I also realized that not posting entries every week wasn't having any kind of adverse effect on me.  In other words, I wasn't missing it.  But at times I would be struck with a thought, an idea, a pondering, and tell myself to remember it for later because it would make a good blog post.  So I guess I haven't completely written this page off, in a manner of speaking. 

I guess I just struggle with the lack of direction.  I'm one of those people who likes to have an end result in sight, a goal of some sort to work towards.  With this blog I don't have that, other than just writing for the sake of writing.  I suppose there's nothing inherently wrong with that, other than the fact that I quickly lose my enthusiasm for the whole thing.  There were times when coming up with something to post felt like more of a chore than something I actually felt like doing, and that's kind of when I knew it might be time to just take a break.  Except apparently I took that as a sign to take a break from ALL writing, because as I mentioned above I have not been the most productive in the creative department this past month. 

It's kind of funny in a way, because I can remember writing a post very similar to this last year at right around this same time.  Maybe this is becoming part of my natural cycle now.  And while I hate to be redundant and totally predictable, maybe this blog is just going to be something that floats in and out of my life and never becomes a total mainstay.  Maybe when it comes to blogging certain times of the year are just going to work better than others, and I'll just have to allow myself those breaks when things get too busy to focus on writing. For some reason I can never completely convince myself that I need a break from anything, let alone give something up completely.  Especially something that is wholly mine and that I have more or less committed myself to.  

So here I am.  Kind of back at the beginning, or maybe just starting a new chapter.  It remains to be seen as to whether I'll try and hold myself to a certain number of posts per week, or if I will try and reign myself in to writing on a certain theme.  I don't really see that last thing happening.  While I normally love themes because they help give me some direction, I also don't want to confine myself.....you know, for the sake of creativity. 

Okay, that's probably enough rambling for one day.  I have to say it feels kind of good to have opened this outlet again, even if I'm not sure how often I'll be using it.  All in good time, I suppose.              

Friday wrap-up

I realize there isn't much to wrap up since I haven't posted anything in over a week, but just humor me okay?  The idea mill that is my brain hasn't come up with much in the way of brilliant blog posts, so here's just a brief outline of what's going on around these parts. 

• I'm breaking out of my normal trend of reading only one or two books at a time and am currently plowing my way through four, count 'em, FOUR decent length books.  At first I was only going to tackle three, but I got overly excited one day while browsing Amazon.com and treated myself to "The Greatest Generation" on my Kindle.  And of course in my excitement I wasn't going to wait to finish any of the other books until I started the new one, so.....here we are.  Things are moving right along so far, but I'm finding it hard to make significant progress with any of them because there are only so many hours in the day, and only so many that I can manage to keep my eyes open.
  
  
• Also a break from my normal routine, I've started watching documentaries while I exercise.  God, would you listen to me.  Reading?  Documentaries?  Are my nerdish tendencies shining through bright enough?  But for reals, I totally dig the docs, you guys.  And strangely enough, watching them while I run actually hold my attention better than a lot of other things.  Right now I am smack dab in the middle of a fantastic mini-series by Ken Burns called "The War," and it is the hands down best show about WWII I have ever watched.  I think I will cry when it's over, and not just out of joy because we're going to win the war.  It's totally legit, and I highly recommend. 
  
  
• Take m on a trip I wanna go somewhere......  Did you sing that sentence like I did in my head?  Because it sums up my feelings precisely.  I'm ready to go places, y'all, and I'm really getting amped up for May because the hubs and I are going to New Orleans for his sister's college graduation.  It will be good times for sure, and in the meantime I'm trying to come up with other fun activities for us to embark on.  I am beyond ready for some changes in scenery and would love to get away for the daily hustle and bustle for a bit.
  
  
• This time of year always makes me want to be out on the softball field.  I guess old habits die hard.  Lately when I've been taking my dogs out for a walk after work, we'll see the tail end of the high school team practicing, and I feel a pang of jealousy that I'm not out there with my glove.  I definitely love the game, but I also loved the friendships I made while playing, and how close you would be to your teammates by the end of the season.  My friends and I had some of our best moments together out on the softball field, and this time of year always brings up those memories for me.
  
  
• Speaking of being outside.....the hubs and I are working on our spring/summer outdoor improvement projects list for the casa.  On the handful of nice days we've had since the first of the month I've gotten my butt outside and went to work raking, cleaning out flower beds, and chopping down branches from the annoying pine trees that line the fence in our backyard.  It felt amaze-balls to be outdoors, in the fresh air, and not freezing my butt off. I am so ready to make that an everyday occurrence and can't wait to get started on beautifying our outdoor space.
  
  
• March Madness.  Enough said.  

A post filled with parentheses and a slightly obscured positivity pledge

I don't know these people.  They just looked like they were having fun.

I always assume that everyone in the world is having more fun with their life on a given day than I am.  Would that be considered a pessimist attitude?  I hate to think I've grown overly cynical before the age of 30, but it appears that's the road we're headed down.  Unless you choose to view cynicism as a good thing.  Hey, maybe I'm not a pessimist after all!

So after that stellar intro, let me also come out and say that I don't like to complain.  No, really, I don't.  That doesn't mean I don't do it on occasion (does every day count as an occasion?)  I find it somewhat draining, and I've probably posted about it numerous times before (and you're probably thinking to yourself, please don't babble on and on about it again....), but I'm officially conducting a self-led intervention because these past few weeks (months?) I have been complaining entirely too much. 

Honestly.  Because I would never be anything but honest on this blog that nobody reads (that's not pessimism, that's realism), I am driving myself crazy with the sheer force of my negative thinking.  I think part of it is due to the fact that I'm overdue for a vacation.  Like a real vacation, not a Friday off from work where you still check email every fifteen minutes just because you can (thanks for nothing, iPhone).  But I also think I'm going through a bit of a directionless period in my life right now, and that has also caused some unwarranted stress and anxiety.  Sometimes I wake up and feel like I'm in the movie Groundhog Day, and while I normally thrive on my routine and weekly schedule, lately it's been burning me out a bit.  Which leads to more complaining.  You see the vicious cycle, yes?

Anyway, there's really no point to this post so my apologies if you stopped by hoping for a dose of inspiration.  I'm using this as my public chastising.  As a reminder to myself to put on my big girl pants and get back to being positive, to focusing my energy on the happy, sunny, rainbow filled corners of my life and giving a big "F-YOU" to everything that makes me frown. 

And on a slightly random note, what the hell is up with all the parentheses in this post?  Crap.  That wasn't a positive statement, was it?  Okay, how about.....what the heck is going on with all these positively perfectly placed parentheses in this post?  I just love alliteration!  For some reason that sentence just makes me feel like I should be on an episode of Schoolhouse Rock.  If they still even make Schoolhouse Rock, which I'm pretty sure they don't.  Which is really a shame when you think about it, because that was such a clever way for kids to learn about nouns, conjunctions, the preamble to the Constitution.....

Did I mention I'm also sleep deprived?  I know, I hide it really well.      

Feel all the feelings

Sometimes it's hard to have feelings.  I think of it along the lines of that scientific rule which states for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.  With sunshine comes rain, and so on and so forth.

I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm an emotional person.  I wear my heart on my sleeve and literally cannot watch those ASPCA commercials on TV because I am a hot mess by the time Sara McLaughlin finishes her touching melody about arms and angels, and all I know by the end is that I want to SAVE ALL THE ANIMALS!  

But I digress. 

On a slightly more serious note, February was an emotional month.  I had a lot of thoughts swimming around in my overactive think tank, some which I'm not quite ready to divulge to my three readers on cyberspace, but a lot of my thoughts were nostalgic in nature and had me missing people, places, things from my childhood, and a whole lot of stuff in-between.  I would be sitting at my desk and suddenly have this overwhelming urge to talk with my Grandma.  My mind would randomly flash back to family gatherings and I would start to miss those family members I don't get to see or talk with anymore.  I wasn't a walking sad sack, but I was definitely more vulnerable than usual. 

Most of the time, when I get to feeling this way, I do my best to stifle the emotions, to push the thoughts to the back of my mind and focus on other things.  And yet I'm not entirely sure this is the right thing to do.  Sometimes I think it's better to just let the feelings wash over you.  Not to necessarily wallow in grief because it isn't about being sad or upset.  It's about remembering.  About appreciating.  And yes, there is a bit of pain with the hurt of missing a person or persons, and that's okay.  But there's also a lot of joy in those memories, and once you allow yourself to get past the sadness, that joy is something that is worth revisiting. 

Sometimes I'm afraid that I romanticize my past, that I look back on things as being better than they used to be.  Do we all do that to a certain extent?  I'm sure this is true to some degree, but for the most part I feel I'm a pretty impartial judge to my past.  I remember the bad stuff, the painful stuff, and the pretty awesome stuff, each in its own right.  And with the remembering comes the feelings.  And while I don't want to be one of those people who is always looking back, sometimes it's not always a bad thing, not always something that needs to be tucked away.

Even though I am often ruled by my emotions, sometimes I have to remind myself that it's okay to feel certain things, and to let myself go through those feelings in their entirety.  I can't be afraid to feel all my feelings.....sometimes it starts out kind of rough, but in the end it's usually for the best.  A strange lesson to have to learn, but an important one nonetheless.

 

Making decisions

Sometimes decision making sucks.  Like when you're in the drive-thru at McDonalds and you feel torn between the chicken nuggets and the double cheeseburger, not wanting to choose the wrong meal for fear that you will regret your food decision the rest of the afternoon, then realizing you're eating at McDonalds for goodness sake and will probably regret the decision anyway......yea, those moments can be extremely anxiety driven.

As we get older, making decisions both big and small just becomes part of life.  All those things our parents used to handle for us suddenly become our responsibility, and it's almost like someone lifts up a curtain and exposes all the items of life we used to never give a second thought to, then tells us to figure it all out.  Stat.  

I feel like I'm getting better with my decision making.  I am usually so wishy washy, so middle of the road, so very willing to do what the group majority would like to do that I rarely decide anything definite on my own.  But some days I just don't feel like going through the whole song and dance and my decisiveness shines through.  I don't even give myself the option to say "I don't care" and instead commit myself to the choice that stands out as being the best.  Strangely enough, I usually only become this decisive when under pressure, or when I'm feeling stressed out.  I'm sure that's a horrible trend, but I really don't feel like speculating on that little nugget. 

But here's the thing.  Some days......I just want to be told what to do.  When my husband tells me what to do I make a big show of being offended and make a point to tell him that I am my own person, I decide what I do and don't do, blah, blah, blah.  I guess it's my part of the feminist movement.  But honestly, some days I just flat out don't care.  Decision making can be such a drain on my mental energy, that some days I don't want to sit and contemplate, review the information, weigh the pros and cons.  I just want to have an action list in front of me with no need to speculate on anything, and just get stuff freaking done.  Some days I just don't have it in me to be a leader, to keep track of what needs to be done and by when.  Some days I just need to be told and then subsequently move about like a mindless robot because that's literally all I have the capacity for.  

I think this is one of those fun little facts about adulthood that nobody ever really comes right out and tells you, they just let you slowly come to the realization on your own.  For some of us, making decisions does not come easy.  And I know for me it will likely be a lifelong learning process.  Let's just hope there's a grading curve. 

Real clothes vs. fake clothes

I love shopping.  And while I don't do it as often as I would like, I get such a high off of purchasing new clothes.  It's so inspiring, the act of updating ones wardrobe.  And then comes the fun of mix and matching outfits, experimenting with new styles and trends, then growing bored and doing the whole thing all over again.

Yes, I love clothes, shoes, and dressing to the nines, but sometimes what I love even more is not getting dressed.  Well, that's not technically the right way to phrase that sentiment.  I love getting dressed, just not in what are considered by most to be "real clothes."  To me, real clothes are the ones I would wear to work, or out to dinner, or to an event.  You know, socially acceptable, slightly hip, and carefully coordinated.  Fake clothes, on the other hands, are the ones that more often than not bring me the most comfort and joy.  These would be my beloved sweat pants, yoga pants, t-shirts, and workout gear.  These are the sweatshirts and Under Armour sleeves, and one of my most favorite items, the fuzzy warm slipper socks.  It is impossible to have too many pairs of them.

Obviously I get dressed in real clothes for work, although Friday is usually a wild card.  But within 15 minutes of walking inside the house at the end of the work day, I'm dressed down and have traded my form fitting pants for something with an elastic waist band.  I will rarely, rarely, RARELY stay in real clothes if I'm just going to be lounging around the house.  This rule is heavily enforced on the weekends, which at time I know drives my husband crazy.  He comes from a family that believes in getting dressed for the day, even if there's nothing on the agenda aside from doing things around the house.  Me on the other hand, if I know I'm not going anywhere I keep the sweatpants on.  All.  Day.  Long.  It just makes sense, doesn't it?  I like to think that this doesn't make me lazy, just practical 

I feel like a walking contradiction most of the time, because I do enjoy dressing up and going places, and yet sometimes my favorite part of the evening is getting home and throwing on the first oversized t-shirt I can find.  I don't pretend to know why this is the case, it just is what it is.

A cute dress and a killer pair of heels can do wonders for upping my confidence, and my overall feeling of awesomeness.  But sometimes I feel just as if not more amazing in my running shoes and Nike Dri-Fit t-shirt.  What can I say.....variety is the spice of life.