I got mad at my husband last week. There was no big blowup, no smashing of dishes and screaming at each other at the tops of our lungs.....in fact he wasn't even home for me to yell and scream at, which consequently was why I was mad at him. I like to think most of the time I'm that "cool wife" who doesn't care if her husband stays out late with the guys, and generally this is true....but only if I know in advance my hubby is in fact planning to stay out late with the guys. When I don't hear anything from him I usually assume he's lying in a ditch somewhere, cell phone destroyed (because otherwise he would answer it when I call numerous times in a row). Then my stomach is in knots because I have seen WAY too many episodes of Law and Order and have read way too many true crime novels to believe that he hasn't been abducted or in an accident or who knows what else. Trust me, I've come up with some pretty awful scenarios. And yes I have been told before that I'm a drama queen, why do you ask?
Any-hoo, even though this little incident probably wouldn't be considered a true fight, we have definitely had our fair share over the years. As I sat there last night staring at my cell phone, willing him to text me back and finally let me know when he would be home, I got to thinking about fighting when you are in a couple, and how important it is to do it correctly.
When my husband and I were first dating we had some killer arguments, especially when we had to spend a year living in different cities. There was name calling, tears, ultimatums, every sort of dramatic influx you could imagine. And we have learned over time how to press each other's buttons. But over the years our fighting has also changed, at least I think it has. Maybe it has something to do with maturity, or maybe it's more of an intuition into that other person. Whatever it is, I think it is all for the better.
While I can only speak for myself, I know for a fact that I pay closer attention to my husband's mood/anxiety level/overall demeanor when I can feel the tension mounting on a particular topic. I look for the signs and when I can tell he's steadily climbing the total freak-out ladder, I try to force myself to remain calm and stay in a non-combative state of mind. Sure, it's not always easy but one thing I've learned about fighting is the importance of showcasing what you want mirrored back to you. It's not foolproof, but it's a much better method than working myself up into a frenzy, which in turns just gets my husband fired up as well. No bueno.
I've also sworn off the name calling. It's just......well, it's just mean. And because I love my husband and know that most of the time he's practically perfect in every way, I don't want something uttered in the middle of a fight to have a lasting impression on our relationship. Words hurt, and they are easy to dwell on.
I also try very, very hard to pick and choose what is worth fighting about. Sometimes mitigating factors such as if I'm really hungry, really tired, or really tired AND hungry (the absolute worst combination), means that I can't help what I end up getting mad about, but when I am in control and not being ruled by my stomach I can usually push the stop button before things get too heavy. I used to get mad over little things that made no difference whatsoever in our relationship, and now I try to focus on big picture. It's so not worth getting into a fight every time a pair of dirty jeans gets left on the floor a mere five inches from the hamper where they could co-exist with all the other dirty clothes, or when someone doesn't want to go for a family dog walk because they would rather sit in the recliner and watch ESPN. Yes, sometimes these things annoy me. Yes, sometimes I can feel myself slipping into tantrum mode because my annoyance level is so high, but I also know that arguing for 15 minutes on the necessity of all dirty clothes making it into the clothes hamper isn't going to do much in the way of creating a pleasant evening. I'm okay with picking and choosing my battles. I honestly would rather pick up those dirty jeans off the floor than expend the energy it would take to argue about them. Some things in a marriage warrant heated discussion, but I don't think dirty jeans are one of them.
Along with the picking and choosing of arguments, I believe there is a lot to be said for what my great-aunt told us on our wedding day. Never go to bed angry. Such sage wisdom, and so much truth. Going to bed angry is the worst, mainly because it means you cannot fall asleep. I get so infuriated when we are mid-fight, go to bed without speaking, I lay there pretending to sleep, then hear my husband's breathing drift into that deep sleep rhythm. It's seriously the worst. Why should he be sleeping soundly while I am laying here still fuming? Naturally I do the most mature thing I can think of and start tossing and turning and sighing loudly to ensure that he will wake up. Then of course there's that awkward realization when you wake up in the morning, want to say something to your husband, then slowly remember the night before and realize you are still mid-fight. And most of the time when I wake up in the morning whatever we were fighting about the night before seems absolutely trivial, and those strong emotions that kept me from falling asleep have totally disappeared. So I try very hard to ensure both my husband and I have the best sleep possible and resolve any disagreements before we hit the hay.
The number one important thing I've learned about fighting with my husband? And believe me this rule can be applied across the board, not just in a marriage. Leave the past in the past. Don't try and argue about something you already argued about a year ago, or even a week ago. I'm guilty of bringing up the past in arguments, and looking back I can see how silly it is, especially if you're bringing up stuff that happened before you were in a relationship or that no longer has any bearing on your life.
And now if you'll excuse me, I have to go pick some dirty clothes up off the floor before I take my dogs for a walk.
While I can only speak for myself, I know for a fact that I pay closer attention to my husband's mood/anxiety level/overall demeanor when I can feel the tension mounting on a particular topic. I look for the signs and when I can tell he's steadily climbing the total freak-out ladder, I try to force myself to remain calm and stay in a non-combative state of mind. Sure, it's not always easy but one thing I've learned about fighting is the importance of showcasing what you want mirrored back to you. It's not foolproof, but it's a much better method than working myself up into a frenzy, which in turns just gets my husband fired up as well. No bueno.
I've also sworn off the name calling. It's just......well, it's just mean. And because I love my husband and know that most of the time he's practically perfect in every way, I don't want something uttered in the middle of a fight to have a lasting impression on our relationship. Words hurt, and they are easy to dwell on.
I also try very, very hard to pick and choose what is worth fighting about. Sometimes mitigating factors such as if I'm really hungry, really tired, or really tired AND hungry (the absolute worst combination), means that I can't help what I end up getting mad about, but when I am in control and not being ruled by my stomach I can usually push the stop button before things get too heavy. I used to get mad over little things that made no difference whatsoever in our relationship, and now I try to focus on big picture. It's so not worth getting into a fight every time a pair of dirty jeans gets left on the floor a mere five inches from the hamper where they could co-exist with all the other dirty clothes, or when someone doesn't want to go for a family dog walk because they would rather sit in the recliner and watch ESPN. Yes, sometimes these things annoy me. Yes, sometimes I can feel myself slipping into tantrum mode because my annoyance level is so high, but I also know that arguing for 15 minutes on the necessity of all dirty clothes making it into the clothes hamper isn't going to do much in the way of creating a pleasant evening. I'm okay with picking and choosing my battles. I honestly would rather pick up those dirty jeans off the floor than expend the energy it would take to argue about them. Some things in a marriage warrant heated discussion, but I don't think dirty jeans are one of them.
Along with the picking and choosing of arguments, I believe there is a lot to be said for what my great-aunt told us on our wedding day. Never go to bed angry. Such sage wisdom, and so much truth. Going to bed angry is the worst, mainly because it means you cannot fall asleep. I get so infuriated when we are mid-fight, go to bed without speaking, I lay there pretending to sleep, then hear my husband's breathing drift into that deep sleep rhythm. It's seriously the worst. Why should he be sleeping soundly while I am laying here still fuming? Naturally I do the most mature thing I can think of and start tossing and turning and sighing loudly to ensure that he will wake up. Then of course there's that awkward realization when you wake up in the morning, want to say something to your husband, then slowly remember the night before and realize you are still mid-fight. And most of the time when I wake up in the morning whatever we were fighting about the night before seems absolutely trivial, and those strong emotions that kept me from falling asleep have totally disappeared. So I try very hard to ensure both my husband and I have the best sleep possible and resolve any disagreements before we hit the hay.
The number one important thing I've learned about fighting with my husband? And believe me this rule can be applied across the board, not just in a marriage. Leave the past in the past. Don't try and argue about something you already argued about a year ago, or even a week ago. I'm guilty of bringing up the past in arguments, and looking back I can see how silly it is, especially if you're bringing up stuff that happened before you were in a relationship or that no longer has any bearing on your life.
And now if you'll excuse me, I have to go pick some dirty clothes up off the floor before I take my dogs for a walk.
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