On putting yourself out there

Today I took a step.  A small step toward something I want to do, toward something that makes me happy.  I've opened myself up to rejection, to criticism, and to possible praise.  I have taken the initiative towards bettering myself as a writer.  I don't want to go into too many specifics because, well, I don't know anything yet and won't for a few more weeks.  But I saw a chance and I took it, hoping for nothing but the best. 

Honestly?  I feel a bit queasy.

I'm not good at putting myself out there.  Myself or my writing.  I don't share my stories with many people unless it is required of me, and when I think of people, of strangers, pouring over my words and my thoughts I feel a tad exposed.  

And yet I have this blog, where I do in face share parts of myself, of my thoughts, with who knows how many people on a weekly basis.  I guess I have always felt like on this blog I exist in the slightest form of anonymity.  I also tell myself that no one reads my blog, which adds a level of security to hitting the "Publish Post" button at the end of each entry.  And maybe it's true.  Maybe nobody reads these words except me.  

But then again, maybe people do.  Maybe my words are already reaching more people than I assume they are. 

Most of this is really a confidence issue.  I am my own worst critic and while sometimes I think something I write is good, when I think about someone else reading it or lots of someone else s reading it I immediately decide it isn't good enough. 

It's also a fear issue.  Writing is my "big dream."  It's what I aspire to do.  What happens if I'm not good enough?  If I try and try only to get the door slammed in my face time and time again?

I understand that I'll never get anywhere with this if I don't take chances and don't open myself up for failure.  But it is oh so very scary.  On a small level, on a big level, it is frighting.  I have always had trouble breaking out of my comfort zone, so I know this will take some getting used to.  I know I'm going to have to keep letting people in, letting my words get out, and hoping that they won't fall on deaf ears. 

I know that writing is a very conditional medium, and what is good to one person may be not so good for another.  So if I want to write I am going to have to get used to the idea that there will be pitfalls, bad reviews, and maybe downright rude responses.  And if I let that bother me then who am I really writing for?

Hopefully I will have some good news to share on here soon.  And if not, I will have disappointing news to share.  Either way I have taken a step.  And here's hoping I can continue to take a few more.