Posts that matter

In my day to day Internet searching I read a fair amount of news/gossip/"celebrity" updates (put in parentheses because the classification of a celebrity is up for interpretation).  I try to keep my junk news to a minimum.....in fact I I don't consider myself a junkie, but I come across interesting tidbits from time to time that peak my curiosity. 

Like most of the world I caught the royal baby fever and was pretty darn excited when the little bundle of joy finally made his first public appearance.  So excited that I felt I wanted to, nay, MUST write about the occasion like every other blogger out in cyberspace.  Not that my opinions, observations, lack of expertise on anything to do with the royal family would stand out from any of the other commentary, but I got caught up in the moment and just felt compelled to go for it. 

So I started a post.  I saved a post.  I didn't finish a post.  And you want to know why?

I realized I didn't care about the post enough to finish it.  Most of the information I was pilfering from other websites, and frankly the only points I cared about making were that I absolutely love everything the Duchess wears (including her maternity clothes), and that the whole concept of a royal couple having a baby is just kind of exciting in a very old world sort of way.  Those of us who don't live under a monarch tend to find the whole "heir to the throne" thing rapt with intrigue.

To summarize and more or less bring together the above paragraphs: I read a lot of stories about the royal baby, I got excited, I thought I should blog about the happy occasion as well as the Duchess's clothes.  I mean seriously, her style is impeccable!  What I wouldn't give to raid her closet.......

Moral of the story?  I felt no real connection to the post and in turn couldn't even be bothered to finish it.  I realized that I don't like posting something just to write words for a given day, I want to post/write about things that actually matter to me, that I feel some kind of connection to.  I find greater satisfaction in writing that is more personal, or at least on topics that I'm more passionate about. 

Not that I'm trying to take anything away from the Duke and Duchess, they seem like lovely people.  But you will have to seek beyond this blog for those extra special glimpses into their lives. 

Also, in case you got lost along the way, this post was about how I didn't finish an earlier post, so I decided to write a new post explaining why I didn't finish the old post, and also to reaffirm my posting policy from here on out.  

Did I mention I'm a big fan of clear, concise writing?  It's Monday, people.  Please don't give up on me!      

Welcome back to the blog

What the hell have I been doing for an entire month that I haven't had time to post on this blog?  Oh, I don't know, things like painting my deck, and going to a wedding, and turning 29 (eek!), and getting new central AC installed, and going on a job interview, and basically watching as the month of July RACED out the door, leaving just a little sliver of summer behind. 

So yea, things have been busy.  As if they're ever not busy.  Most of the time I've been having fun, sipping a cold one, and overall enjoying life.  The job interview was.....interesting.  It's definitely not a for sure thing at this point and my mind isn't completely made up one way or the other, so regardless of what happens at least I can chalk the whole thing up to a character building experience.  The central AC has basically changed my life, and I can't believe we've lived in our house for four years without it.  Even though Pullman summers don't last as long as other areas, when it gets in the 90's and it's over 80 degrees inside the house, I would sell a kidney just to have cool air coming through the vents.  Luckily I got to keep all my internal organs this time around, and still ended up with AC!  Heck of deal. 

Dean was the best man at a wedding this past weekend, and it was quite a lovely affair.  He also looked incredibly handsome in his tux, and delivered his best man speech wonderfully.  I was quite proud.  What is it about men when they put on a tuxedo?  It's like they turn into GQ models and you wonder if this is really your husband or some very beautiful imposter.  I'm so used to seeing him in Carharts and sweaty work shirts I sometimes forget how nicely he can clean up.

Oh, and last week I had a birthday and turned 29.  It wasn't a very momentous birthday as we were en route to Portland for the wedding and I had a bachelorette party to attend that night, but it was a birthday nonetheless.  Next year will be the end of my twenties and the beginning of my thirties.  That's some sort of milestone, right?  I'm not in panic mode yet, nor do I think I will be anytime soon.  I feel like I'm kind of over the whole "age" thing.  I had my quarter life crisis at 25, maybe even a couple years before that, and now I've decided I don't have enough energy to worry about how old I am and what it means in the grand scheme of things.  As if it has to mean anything in the first place.  Moving on.....

Now that I'm more or less "back" I'm going to try and dedicate more time to this space and see if I can get back in some kind of groove.  I know, I know, those promises have been made and broken before, but it's the thought that counts, right?  Only time will tell. 

On the docket for tomorrow:  the royal baby and why I'm just so obsessed Kate Middleton.        

And it only took 28 years.....

 

I've been writing for what feels like forever.  I've been writing diaries, journals, school assignments, newspaper articles, creative fiction, this blog, to-do lists, poems, and scores of other items pretty much since I learned how to read and write.  I've received compliments before from teachers, classmates, and family members, which always makes one feel good, but yesterday, I received what I consider my first real positive accolade from a member of the general public.
 
I had someone tell me that an article I wrote really spoke to them, that it made them pause and examine themselves, and they could see how what I wrote about related to them.  This person told me they read my article several times over, that they were amazed how much they related to it, and how it helped them realize things about their own personality.  They said it was well written, interesting, and a real pleasure to read.
 
It only took me 28 years, but in that moment I felt like a real writer.  I felt like I had really accomplished something with my words, even if those words only resonated with one person.  I had impacted someone, had helped them to see themselves differently, and held their attention enough that they read my article not once, but three times in a row.

I often don't even read my own material that many times.   
 
I will never, ever forget that feeling.  It was empowering, it was something that I had always wanted to do with the words I put to paper (or computer screen).  It was a reminder of what writing is supposed to do.  It's supposed to reach out and touch someone.  To spark their imagination, their curiosity, their intellect.  It also reminded me that words should not be taken for granted.....because they do have power.  It reminded me that even though I'm often frustrated with this blog, with my stories, with my seeming lack of productivity and growth as a writer, that maybe this all isn't in vain.  In that moment I felt a surge of hopefulness.....maybe I'm not wasting my time.  Maybe if I keep at this I can really make it happen.

I realize that in the grand scheme of things I still have a long ways to go, but it sure felt good to hear those words, to have a reader relate their experience to me.  And experience that was brought about because of something I wrote.  I'm not trying to sound braggy......I guess I just can't come up with an eloquent way to express what this meant to me.  I've dreamt of being a writer all my life, and it scares and saddens me sometimes to think that it might only ever be just that.  A dream.  But yesterday was something akin to a breakthrough, and I caught a glimpse of what it's like to have your words make an impact on another human being.

And you want to know a secret?  I kind of liked it.

On photo albums

One of my favorite past times is looking through photo albums.  When I was younger I used to love pulling albums off the shelves and going through all the pictures, even if they were ones I had seen hundreds of times before.  The organization freak in me is drawn to photo albums because they are such neat, concise packages of memories just waiting to be leafed through.

I have to wonder if photo albums are becoming a thing of the past.  With digital cameras, camera phones, the popularity of photo websites for storing pictures, it's hard to say whether much time is still dedicated to the process of printing out pictures, labeling them, and chronologically putting them into an album.  For a lot of people I'm sure it's enough to post a picture on Facebook and call it good.

For myself, however, I still gravitate toward the photo album.  It's kind of like reading an actual book as opposed to using my Kindle.  I love my Kindle and use it daily, but I also like having a real book in my hands.  I like the act of physically turning the pages, the smell of the paper and the feel of the binding.  The same applies to a picture album.  It's nice to be able to hold a picture in your hands, to see it "live" rather than over a computer screen.  But you can print digital prints, which really gives you the best of both worlds.  The best thing, in my opinion, about printing digital pictures?  You can pick and choose which prints you want, and don't HAVE to print every single picture you take.  This allows plenty of room for error and you aren't left kicking yourself when you get your pictures back and realize you inadvertently took 20 close up shots of the inside of your purse.  

Right before Christmas we finally broke down and got a new laptop.  And while we're loving the new machine and the speed at which we can now get things done, my mind keeps wandering to all the pictures that I uploaded onto our old computer.  It scares me simply because technology is not reliable, and one of these days I just know I'll go to turn on that old computer and it won't cooperate.....meaning my pictures will be lost forever.  I'm not sure which is a more tedious task, trying to keep digital pictures safe and in one place, or trying to keep photo negatives in order and undamaged through a number of years. 

I realize the next step in my photo evolution is going to be the arduous task of sorting and saving all my digital prints in one location, but oh what a project that will be.  Digital is fantastic mainly for the convenience factor, but when it comes to taking stock of what pictures you have, where they are, and what order they belong in.....it can quickly become a complicated process.

I imagine I will be a photo album keeper my entire life.  Pictures in an album just seem much more real, and I like to think that 20 years from now I can easily pull a book of memories off the shelf rather than have to strain to remember a password for a website where all my snapshots have been uploaded.  

I like to think I'm finding my own way to exist between the digital and the print world.  I just have to get all my pictures onto the same computer.               

Are you a good teammate?

Having played organized sports for years, I know quite a bit about being on a team.  Teamwork is very big these days.  Who knows, maybe it always has been and I just wasn't paying attention.  But seriously, these days the concept of doing something alone is practically unheard of.  From group projects to committees to team marathons, the togetherness factor is seen in almost every facet of our day-to-day lives. 

I was thinking about teams this morning because I play on a co-ed softball team and am probably going to miss our game this weekend, which I'll admit makes me feel a tad guilty.  The funny thing about it is that even though I generally have a good time at our games, I almost always find myself complaining about not wanting to go play once Sunday rolls around.  But regardless of how lazy I'm feeling, I also am a firm believer in fulfilling one's commitments, which is why I always show up for the games unless of course I am out of town.  My husband is the same way.  He is definitely a man of his word and is by far one of the most dependable people I know.  Most of the time this is a very endearing quality, and one which I hope gets passed down to our future offspring.  I say most of the time because there are occasions when I wish he wouldn't commit himself to readily to other people's bidding......doesn't he know I want him around to do my bidding?  Joke, joke.  I promise I'm at least a little self-reliant.

But back to the whole team thing.  I let my mind wander a bit on the subject and began pondering what exactly makes someone a good teammate.  Is it someone who always shows up when they're supposed to, or does it go beyond the physical act of just being there?  In sports, the guidelines of being a good teammate are pretty cut and dry.  You show up, you give it your all, you encourage your teammates, and you always, always back each other up.  I'm an outfielder in softball, so for the me this last point is a real stickler.  When you're on a team, it becomes apparent pretty early on that your actions and decisions will not only impact you, but everyone else on your team as well.  It can be hard for people to think outside of themselves as just individuals and instead contemplating the "greater good," but I've this concept play out oh so many times in oh so many ways.  It's not just something coaches talk about to try and get everyone to like each other, it's straight up truth. 

But we aren't just teammates in the athletic sense.  Being in a marriage is very much akin to being on an organized team, you just don't usually have a coach guiding you along the way and helping you fine tune your skills.  Nope, you have to take care of that all on your own.  I often wonder if I'm a good teammate in my marriage.  I feel like I am most of the time, but there are obviously areas that could use improvement (aren't there always?)  For instance, I have a hard time accepting the fact that things aren't always going to be 50/50.  Sometimes one person is just going to have to do more of something, or all of something, and it's not going to get "paid back" right away if ever.  My thinking goes something like this:  I cleaned the kitchen so you can work on the living room.  I folded all the laundry so you can put it away.  Tit for tat, right?

But then there are those instances when your husband goes to work all day, then does more work for his own business AFTER work, and doesn't get home until late in the evening, dirty and hungry and tired, and the last thing he wants to do let alone hear is, "Hi honey!  I left all the laundry out for you to put away so if you could take care of that before you shower/eat/put up your aching feet/collapse into a heap on the living room floor that would be great!"

I have to remind myself sometimes that the split isn't always going to be even.  There isn't always going to be a clear line of demarcation with an even set of responsibilities.  And instead of complaining or going off on a tirade about how much the other person "owes you" for picking up the supposed slack, you just have to suck it up, do the work, and know it's all part of being part of the team.

There are so many intricate details to being in a marriage that it's hard to say if one thing is more important than the other, and maybe that has something to do with each individual relationship.  But in my mind, much like in softball, there is a lot to be said for backing up your partner.  A strong support, a person who is standing there behind you in case the ball goes between your legs, that's a pretty amazing thing to have.  This can happen in so many different ways for any number of situations, but in order for it to work you have to get out of the "what's in it for me?" mindset.  You have to not focus on yourself (individual), but instead on your partner (your teammate!)  I know I struggle with this sometimes, as I'm sure we all do, because isn't it just in our nature to think about ourselves first and everyone else second?  Or am I just completely selfish?  It can be hard sometimes to just be there for someone, to not blatantly expect something in return, and to willingly make yourself available time and time again for constant, unwavering support.

But it's also a crucial aspect to being a good teammate.  And because I'm a firm believer in beating a good metaphor to death, I will close with this sentiment.  My husband and I have almost been married four years, which in terms of a lifetime together has barely gotten us through the first inning.  Who knows, maybe we're still in warm-ups.  But as I look at our relationship and how we've grown in our marriage in just this short amount of time, I like to think that we have the stamina and the mentality to really go the distance.  We might have some breakdowns in our defense from time to time, but overall we are figuring out each others strengths and weaknesses, and the areas where we can each contribute a little more to make sure we have a winning season. 

And from time to time, we can even pull through to find success in extra innings. 

Boom.  Metaphor.....destroyed. 

         

I can't take fake Benadryl anymore

This morning I did something I knew I would regret.  And yet, being the eternal optimist that I am, I thought to myself that maybe things would be different this time around. 

They weren't. 

Last summer during the peak of allergy season I was at Walmart looking for my preferred brand of allergy medicine, the Equate version of Claritin.  To my dismay the little white box with the blue lining was nowhere to be found, so I was forced to purchase the pink box of Equate, which just happens to be the generic form of Benadryl.  I had never taken real Benadryl before, but since all I was looking for was relief from my sneezing and itchy eyes I figured one color of box had to be just as good as another.

I was wrong. 

Over the next week or so I started having a hard time staying awake at work.  Usually in the early morning hours, regardless of how much sleep I had gotten the night before.  I literally couldn't keep my head up or my eyes open.  I was doing the head jerk.....you know, when you start to doze off then wake up really suddenly and snap your head backward?  Yea, practically gave myself whiplash.  I also felt extremely groggy, and my head felt fuzzy every time I would get up to use the bathroom.  I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me, and just chalked it up to a mixture of tiredness and boredom.  

Until one day, when I just happened to read the label of my fake Benadryl bottle more closely.  It was then that I zoned in on the cause of my over-sleepiness. 

May cause drowsiness. 

Right there on the label.  Imagine that.  Reveling in my successful Nancy Drew moment, I promptly stopped taking fake Benadryl and went back to Walmart in search of my beloved fake Claritin. 

Flash forward one year to this morning.  Itchy eyes, sneezing, and no allergy medicine to be found aside from the fake Benadryl that is still lingering in our bathroom.  I thought to myself, this time will be different.  I've had plenty of coffee, I am stronger than a little allergy pill.  And before I could talk myself out of it, I swallowed the pink pill and welcomed the allergy relief it soon gave me. 

Flash forward a little farther.  9:15 a.m.  Sitting at my desk.  Feeling like there are sandbags on my eyelids and feeling my mind start to shut down.  All I want to do is put my head down on the desk and sleep.  Yet I fight, and I fight hard, but no matter how many drinks of water I take, or how many ways I try to distract myself, I can feel my eyes closing and my body accepting defeat.  Needless the say, the next couple hours are not very productive.  I feel like a zombie and when I open my mouth to speak it seems I have forgotten how to form complete sentences. 

Thus, I feel I will have to say goodbye to fake Benadryl once and for all.  Either my system is entirely too weak, or this is some of the strongest allergy medicine out there.  This stuff works better than Tylenol PM, and if I'm going to have a chance in hell of getting any work done this week, I can't keep kidding myself that fake Benadryl is going to do anything other than send me kicking and screaming into the sleep zone. 

Goodbye, fake Benadryl.  I acknowledge your great power, and find I am unworthy.     

Learning how to fight

I got mad at my husband last week.  There was no big blowup, no smashing of dishes and screaming at each other at the tops of our lungs.....in fact he wasn't even home for me to yell and scream at, which consequently was why I was mad at him.  I like to think most of the time I'm that "cool wife" who doesn't care if her husband stays out late with the guys, and generally this is true....but only if I know in advance my hubby is in fact planning to stay out late with the guys.  When I don't hear anything from him I usually assume he's lying in a ditch somewhere, cell phone destroyed (because otherwise he would answer it when I call numerous times in a row).  Then my stomach is in knots because I have seen WAY too many episodes of Law and Order and have read way too many true crime novels to believe that he hasn't been abducted or in an accident or who knows what else.  Trust me, I've come up with some pretty awful scenarios.  And yes I have been told before that I'm a drama queen, why do you ask?

Any-hoo, even though this little incident probably wouldn't be considered a true fight, we have definitely had our fair share over the years.  As I sat there last night staring at my cell phone, willing him to text me back and finally let me know when he would be home, I got to thinking about fighting when you are in a couple, and how important it is to do it correctly.

When my husband and I were first dating we had some killer arguments, especially when we had to spend a year living in different cities.  There was name calling, tears, ultimatums, every sort of dramatic influx you could imagine.  And we have learned over time how to press each other's buttons.  But over the years our fighting has also changed, at least I think it has.  Maybe it has something to do with maturity, or maybe it's more of an intuition into that other person.  Whatever it is, I think it is all for the better.

While I can only speak for myself, I know for a fact that I pay closer attention to my husband's mood/anxiety level/overall demeanor when I can feel the tension mounting on a particular topic.  I look for the signs and when I can tell he's steadily climbing the total freak-out ladder, I try to force myself to remain calm and stay in a non-combative state of mind.  Sure, it's not always easy but one thing I've learned about fighting is the importance of showcasing what you want mirrored back to you.  It's not foolproof, but it's a much better method than working myself up into a frenzy, which in turns just gets my husband fired up as well.  No bueno. 

I've also sworn off the name calling.  It's just......well, it's just mean.  And because I love my husband and know that most of the time he's practically perfect in every way, I don't want something uttered in the middle of a fight to have a lasting impression on our relationship.  Words hurt, and they are easy to dwell on.

I also try very, very hard to pick and choose what is worth fighting about.  Sometimes mitigating factors such as if I'm really hungry, really tired, or really tired AND hungry (the absolute worst combination), means that I can't help what I end up getting mad about, but when I am in control and not being ruled by my stomach I can usually push the stop button before things get too heavy.  I used to get mad over little things that made no difference whatsoever in our relationship, and now I try to focus on big picture.  It's so not worth getting into a fight every time a pair of dirty jeans gets left on the floor a mere five inches from the hamper where they could co-exist with all the other dirty clothes, or when someone doesn't want to go for a family dog walk because they would rather sit in the recliner and watch ESPN.  Yes, sometimes these things annoy me.  Yes, sometimes I can feel myself slipping into tantrum mode because my annoyance level is so high, but I also know that arguing for 15 minutes on the necessity of all dirty clothes making it into the clothes hamper isn't going to do much in the way of creating a pleasant evening.  I'm okay with picking and choosing my battles.  I honestly would rather pick up those dirty jeans off the floor than expend the energy it would take to argue about them.  Some things in a marriage warrant heated discussion, but I don't think dirty jeans are one of them.

Along with the picking and choosing of arguments, I believe there is a lot to be said for what my great-aunt told us on our wedding day.  Never go to bed angry.  Such sage wisdom, and so much truth.  Going to bed angry is the worst, mainly because it means you cannot fall asleep.  I get so infuriated when we are mid-fight, go to bed without speaking, I lay there pretending to sleep, then hear my husband's breathing drift into that deep sleep rhythm.  It's seriously the worst.  Why should he be sleeping soundly while I am laying here still fuming?  Naturally I do the most mature thing I can think of and start tossing and turning and sighing loudly to ensure that he will wake up.  Then of course there's that awkward realization when you wake up in the morning, want to say something to your husband, then slowly remember the night before and realize you are still mid-fight.  And most of the time when I wake up in the morning whatever we were fighting about the night before seems absolutely trivial, and those strong emotions that kept me from falling asleep have totally disappeared.  So I try very hard to ensure both my husband and I have the best sleep possible and resolve any disagreements before we hit the hay. 

The number one important thing I've learned about fighting with my husband?  And believe me this rule can be applied across the board, not just in a marriage.  Leave the past in the past.  Don't try and argue about something you already argued about a year ago, or even a week ago.  I'm guilty of bringing up the past in arguments, and looking back I can see how silly it is, especially if you're bringing up stuff that happened before you were in a relationship or that no longer has any bearing on your life.  

And now if you'll excuse me, I have to go pick some dirty clothes up off the floor before I take my dogs for a walk.