Family Values

Last week was Thanksgiving.  The holiday centered on a golden turkey with neverending side dishes, football, and eating until you're ready to pass out. 

And one other thing.

Family.

Thanksgiving is the kick-off to the holiday season.  A prelude to the magic that is Christmas and a step up in seriousness from Halloween.  Thanksgiving does not receive the same heavy commercialization as Christmas, in fact I believe advertising gurus nationwide have pretty much stricken Thanksgiving from their calendars altogether and just decided to move straight into Christmas promotions.  But Thanksgiving provides a day, a time, a moment, for us to come together with those we love and do what we should always do.

Give thanks.  Give love.  Feel blessed.  Make others feel blessed.

As I sat around the crowded dinner table passing dishes of mashed potatoes, cranberry salad, turkey, and asparagus salad, I took a moment to soak in the moment, the faces, the conversation, the smiles, the laughs.  I sat and said my own silent thanks.  

For family.  For tradition.  For being able to have such a special place to call home.  

While the holiday was not without the normal stresses, it was still a thing of imperfect perfection.  While we all were still mourning the loss of Grandpa, we found a kind of solace in sitting together, sharing stories and memories. 

There's something endearing about returning home to family.  To a home where members of the same family have gathered for generations.  

Family is one of those things that you come to appreciate more and more over time, for most of us a thing that grows better and better over time. 

Here's hoping you all found something wonderful to give thanks for on Thanksgiving.  

Home Improvement

I don’t think I am cut out for home improvement projects.


I have a tendency to get crabby when faced with set-backs, and more often than not I take out this crabbiness on my husband. Not because it’s his fault, but because he always seems to be in the immediate area. Trust me, it’s not the best strategy.


When we bought our house we did so with the knowledge that there would be many small and large projects to tackle. The house was built in 1971, something you could discern just by looking at the flooring, cabinetry, and wallpaper throughout the house. But we weren’t fazed. We were not intimidated by a little painting, a bit of tiling, and a whole mess of extremely unflattering light fixtures.


Over a year later and we have made significant strides. We have also spent a good chunk of change bringing our house into the present day, and no, we do not plan on figuring out exactly how much money has gone into the process….the total could very likely cause us heart failure.


I have done my fair share of work. Dean has done more, and my parents have probably done just as much as both of us. So we are all contributing. Making the house a home to reflect our style, our taste, and our personalities.


And I am ready for it to be done.


At first it was fun. It was exciting. It was breathing new life into a space in need of TLC. Now….it’s just work. And really, it has always been work. Not to mention a huge investment of our time, energy, and pocketbook. Now when setting out to tackle a new project I think to myself, Can’t we just hire someone?


Sometimes my husband will take this as a sign that I don’t think he can do certain elements of a project, which is absolutely not true. For me, it’s more about not having to be present when the work is taking place, and not having to witness any mistakes and deal with any problems. If someone else does the work, I just walk away for awhile, come back, and everything is exactly the way I wanted it.


It’s a very idealistic viewpoint and also a very lazy one. It’s also quite dangerous considering the fact that I should be concerned about keeping the costs of these projects down to a minimum.


I am well aware of the satisfaction that comes with doing a job yourself. I am also well aware of my own personality type and how not suited it is for home improvement jobs. I am a person who likes order, and neatness, and everything to be just-so. Home improvement does not fall into any of those categories. At least, not until the end of the project, and this sometimes does not happen for weeks or months. I am also the type who likes to get things done quickly. In my mind this is equivalent to being efficient. With home improvement it can mean skipped steps, messy work, and mistakes. Luckily, Dean is always there to make sure things are done right.


Do-it-yourself home projects are definitely character builders. They can test the fabric of your patience and your relationship. They can make you feel wonderful, and they can make you feel like crap. For us neat freaks out there, it’s a test of willpower to see how long we can go without running around the job site organizing tools, picking up clutter, and scrubbing down surfaces.


In conclusion, I am not against the do-it-yourself approach, simply anxious for the day when there won’t be so much to do.

Remembering

The art of remembrance is a sometimes fleeting endeavor. The human memory is not capable of keeping our entire lives on file, meaning that every encounter, feeling, and person we experience in our lives has the potential to be forgotten.



Forgotten.


It’s a frightening concept. To think the possibility exists that we might not remember something which at one time was important to us is enough to cause concern. Even more frightening is the notion that this same phenomenon applies to people.


I think we assume that if we care for someone a great deal it’s almost impossible that we would forget things about them. Maybe sometimes this is true, but it’s amazing how foggy one’s memory can become over the space of even a couple years. Certain things like the inflection of a voice, the way someone’s hands looked and felt, their favorite ice cream, all these things are ingredients, components of a real person. As we lose these recollections are we at the same time losing parts of the person? What enables us to remember certain elements over others?


Usually we are more inclined to remember things if they are tied to big moments in our lives. Big events such as graduations, weddings, anniversaries, these are things that might enable us to commit certain things to memory and keep them there. But once they are there, housed in our memories, we really don’t have any guarantee that they will always be there. My wedding was one of the biggest days of my life, and I couldn’t tell you half of the conversations I had that day, let alone who all I saw and hugged. However, I do remember the feelings I felt that day. I remember seeing Dean for the first time and my heart being so filled with happiness that I couldn’t even speak. I remember dancing with my grandfather to “Unforgettable,” laughing at his jokes and feeling so thankful that he was there to share the day with me. I remember driving away after the wedding, feeling the cool night breeze, and wondering if I would ever be able to stop smiling.


And maybe that’s the key. It’s not about details, or exact words, or even setting. It’s about feelings. Feelings can sometime paint a more vivid picture than words ever could. As people come and go in our lives, the extent of our memories will be based entirely upon the feelings we had while we were around them. Losing a loved one, whether it is a relative or a close friend, will more often than not bring us into a panic over our memories. How can we force ourselves to remember? How can we truly never forget someone? Whether or not there are answers to these questions, I think we should try and take the pressure off ourselves to have photographic memories. Certain things will stick and other won’t, that’s just a fact of life.


But the feelings will always linger. Of this we can take some comfort.

Lost Kitty

I've been going through an emotional tumult the past week.  My kitty cat of six years, Juliet, has disappeared.  I don't know where she is, if she is hurt (or worse....God forbhid), or where to even start looking for her.  I feel helpless, and that is such an awful feeling.

I grew up on a farm out in the country, and while growing up I had tons of cats as pets.  I think at one point in time we had over 20 cats that lived on our farm and more than a handful of those cats were "my" cats.  So I am not new to the ordeal of losing a pet and the grieving process that goes along with it. 

But there's something different about it this time around. 

Don't get me wrong, I am trying to stay positive and hold fast to the idea that Juliet will come home. Yet as each day goes by my hope wanes little by little.  Juliet was mine and Dean's first pet.  She was with us through our years at WSU, through moving into our first house, and through our first year of marriage.  We taught her how to play fetch with a little toy mouse, and spied on her as she would sit in the window and squack at the birds outside. 

I'm reminded of her absence everywhere I look.  Her half empty food dish, the empty guest bed that she would nap on, even the litter box that I haven't had to clean for a week.  I never realized how big a void one little cat could leave in someone's life....but that is glaringly apparent now.

My sadness sits just under the surface, every now and then overtaking me.  Everytime we take the dogs out for a walk I find myself scanning the park for a glimpse of her brown fur, or the sound of her tiny jingle bell collar.  I'm hoping and praying she finds her way home. 

Until then, I'll allow myself to feel, to go through the grieving process.  It's really the best way to heal.

Are we ever satisfied?

Last week the hubby and I spent some time outside doing yard work.  We mowed, edged, raked, watered, did just about everything we could think of to get the front and backyards looking in tip top shape.  As the sun set that Thursday evening we sat on the porch, admiring our hard work, and taking silent satisfaction in a job well done.


Later the next day, we started devising a plan for spring.  We talked about where to plant new grass, when we should fertilize, and the prospect of planing new bushes and trees.  The momentary satisfaction of the work we had accomplished the day before was soon forgotten.  Our minds were moving ahead to progress.  To change.


Satisfaction is such a fleeting concept.  When we have it, we feel complete and accomplished.  When we don't have it, we're unfulfilled and striving to find a way to make our yearnings a reality. 


As humans we get bored.  We long for change.  This causes dissatisfaction to a certain degree.  But is it possible to keep that feeling of satisfaction around, or is it inevitable that before long we are back to feeling unsettled?


Small moments of satisfaction can go a long way, but if you're like me, your mind is constantly running down the list of endless To-Do's, wondering how there can possibly be enough time for everything.  This is overwhelming, and for me personally leads to feelings of dissatisfaction.


I feel like we are constantly bombarded with messages of "bigger and better."  We are being subliminally coached into thinking that what we have is never good enough, and that we should be making steps toward change.


Change can be refreshing.  Sometimes even a necessity.  But there is something to be said for staying put, for accepting things the way they are and being content.  Is it possible to feel this way always, or are we conditioned to eventually cave in and search for ways to further increase our satisfaction? 

I suppose I don't have definitive answers to these questions, and maybe that's alright.  Maybe it's up to each of us to find our own personal limits, and once those limits are met, our own personal satisfaction will be, too.      

Urban Legends

My fascination with urban legends began when I discovered the wonderful collection of stories by Alvin Schwartz.  Perhaps some of you remember "Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark," "More Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark," and "Scary Stories 3: More Tales to Chill Your Bones."  In these collections Schwartz gathered a wonderful assembly of urban legends, some in their original forms, some rewritten, and presented his readers with some truly classic stary tales.

 

As a kid I never really paid attention to where these tales came from, but recenly as I was flipping through the indexes of the books I found that Schwartz made a point to not only include American folklore in these books, but also legends from other countries.  

Urban legends, in my mind, are cautionary tales.  They are vehicles for lessons on how our lives should be lived, and the sorts of situations and people that should be avoided.  I love these stories for their ambiguous nature, which in a way is odd because as a writer I have always been taught that details and establishing time and place are imperative.  But urban legends don't have to have a setting.  You don't have to know the time of year, or the backgrounds of the characters involved.  These are probably the only types of stories where you can get away with that.  Of course, this goes along with the notion that urban legends were commonly used as a vessel for passing down lessons.  In that respect, because the stories were being told over and over again, year after year, things like place, time, and setting weren't really a necessity.  They could be adjusted and changed as often as the story was told. 

In urban legends, the endings are always the best part.  Whether it's the young couple finding the bloody hook hanging from their car door, the girl discovering a man with a knife hiding in her backseat, or the babysitter discovering that the mysterious phone calls she is receiving are coming from a room upstairs, it's the endings that pack the punch.

In terms of whether there are any truth to these stories, the answers are somewhat vague.  It's always customary for the storyteller to claim that a particular story happened to "a friend of a friend," and so on.  For me, this adds an irresistable charm to the tales.  There may not always be conclusive evidence to prove that a story is true, but if it's told with enough conviction a seed is planted in the mind of the person listening to the story.  Because there is always the question of "what if....?"  

Again, the mind comes into play.  Regardless of what we know, regardless of evidence to the contrary, there is always a possibility that the unfortunate occurances that befall the victims in urban legends can happen to us if we are not careful.  And of course, it's very easy for us to believe that when we are home alone with the lights out, and hear strange noises coming from the upstairs.       

A Closer Look at Fear

Imagine you are sitting home late one night.  A storm is raging outside, rain is pattering against all the windows, and the wind is howling so loud it sounds like a large animal is waiting outside your door.  Suddenly, all the lights in the house start flashing, until finally the go out completely.  You're sitting in the dark....alone.  Then you hear a noise from upstairs.  Footsteps.  Someone is in the house.  You feel yourself start to panic, you start to breathe faster and heavier, you become lightheaded.  Just as you're about to run for the door, you look up the stairs and see your dog come racing down.  He had been upstairs the entire time, you simply forgot.

And yet....

Even if you had rememberd that your dog was upstairs, would you have immediatly dismissed the footsteps?  Or would you have wondered if something or someone else had found their way into your home?

What you just experienced, just for that split second, was fear.  But why?  And how?  What exactly causes us to be afraid?

According to Discovery Health, fear is a chain reaction in the brain that triggers our fight-or-flight response.  The stimulus for this reaction can appear in many forms, from a bee, to a clown, to an auditorium full of people waiting for you to speak.  Strangely enough, fear is an autonomic response, which means that we don't conciously trigger it, or even know what is going on until it has run its course.  

Additionally, fear is created in the brain and is entirely subconscious.  In the process of feeling fear, we are actually using two different paths in which to "handle" whatever it is that is scaring us.  By taking the low road, we are literally taking no chances with what has scared us.  Sure, those footsteps upstairs could belong to the dog, but then again they could also belong to someone who isn't supposed to be there.  It is much less risky for us to assume they are the footsteps of a stranger.  On the low road, one does not take the time to analyze and ask questions.  

Contrarily, the high road to fear response takes a much more methodical approach.  Your brain passes along the information of the footsteps upstairs and tries to establish context.  The brain will ask questions such as, "Have I come across this stimulus before?  Are there other possibilities?"  This all happens at a much slower pace, and yet it happens in conjunction with your reaction on the low road.  Therefore, by the time you have reacted to the footsteps as possibly being an intruder, your brain is working out the possibility that the footsteps could, in fact, be something entirely different.  The high road takes longer to travel.  This is why you can literally feel yourself calming down after a startling incident, because your brain has taken the time to tell you that no, in fact, there is nothing to fear from that particular stimulus.  

The overall purpose of fear is to promote survival.  If we weren't afraid, or better yet, didn't know what to be afriad of, we would get ourselves into all kinds of precarious situations that would ultimately lead to disasterous results.  Fear serves as a protecting agent against a number of things.  For instance, many of us have never been bitten by a poisonous snake, and yet we know that if we come across a rattlesnake we shouldn't reach down and try to handle it.  The fear of being bitten has been conditioned in us, and we have learned over time the consequences of handling poisonous snakes.  

To boil it all down, your brain is what allows you to feel fear.  Over time you learn to be more afraid of certain stimuli, and on that same note you learn how to determine if it is entirely rational to be afraid of something (i.e. the footsteps upstairs).  Of course, we will at times fear irrationally.  Sometimes we will feel afraid for no particular reason, or at least no rational reason.  This most often happens to people who are considered heavy media users.  People who are considered heavy media users consume more than 16 hours of media content in an average day.  Aside from an overall lack of satisfaction with their lives, they are also prone to irrationally fear normal, everyday situations based on the premise that something bad could happen.  The term "You've been watching too many movies," can be adequately applied to these situations. 

So, there's our lesson for today.  Now that we are all a bit more educated on the basics of fear, we can dive into the really good stuff and start exploring some of the tantalizing stimuli.